It is so sad, so heartbreaking. So many fighters live in denial about their problem steroid addiction. (“I didn’t know it was in my supplements.” “I felt weak and moody during training camp, sniff-sniff” “A ‘doctor’ said my hormone level was deficient, as did my wife, heh-heh.”) To help our flummoxed fighter family find its way past roid rage and towards acceptance, we here at Fightlinker offer a simple 12-step diagnostic to assist them in better understanding their disease. It’s like the Michigan Alcoholism Screen Test meets Jeff Foxworthy.
1) If Muscle and Fitness or Men’s Fitness or any of those other homoerotic publications have asked you to be their cover boy, you might be a roidball.
3) If you are a white guy with the musculature of a black guy, you might be a roidball.
4) If you are a Brazilian gal with the musculature of a 1980’s East German Olympic swimmer, you might be a roidball.
5) If you are a 35 to 45-year-old former American collegiate wrestler with the musculature of an 18-year-old, you might be a roidball.
6) If you have been busted before, you might be a roidball.
8) If you have bitch tits, you might be a roidball.
9) If you tweak your nipples before fights so as to avoid looking like you have bitch tits, you might be a roidball.
10) If your career took a dive and never recovered after steroid testing was introduced, you might be a roidball.
11) If you are the kind of scumbag who engaged in money laundering and mortgage fraud and then snitched on your co-conspirators to get a lighter sentence, you might be a roidball.
12) If Dana White threatened to banish you from the UFC forever only to allow you to compete again when your marketability increased, you might be a roidball.
(Matthew Polly is a scholar, a gentleman, and a regular contributor to Fightlinker.com – which of those doesn’t belong with the others? His last book, American Shaolin, detailed his time living with monks in China and training kung fu. His new book coming out this fall will be about living in Vegas and trane-ing UFC. While Vegas wins in the fake boobs department, I hear the snake booze in China was better.)