UFC co-founder Art Davie has announced that the full-contact arm wrestling spectacle known as X-ARM will return in 2012. The Mayan calendar also tells us that the world is scheduled to end in 2012. Coincidence? I think not.
In case you were leading a depressingly boring excuse for a life and never got to witness the unbridled sophistication of X-ARM back when it first appeared in 2008, let me break it down for you. It involves two guys being chained to a tiny table with one hand duct taped to each other. They then thrash around winging shots with their free hands and feet like two wild animals caught in a bear trap until one dude goes limp. Or until three one-minute rounds are over, also just like in the wild. They can alternatively ignore the fact that someone is trying to bash their teeth out and go for an arm wrestling pin, an outcome as likely as Strikeforce having any male champions left in about a year.
We really couldn’t ask for anything more if they put some titties on the screen at the same time. XARM’s official website features several videos with Art wearing a douchebag hat trying to sell the ‘sport’, and his invective against the fact that “the UFC has de-evolved” just drips with calm rationality. Some particularly dignified and non-exploitative matches can be seen here, here, and here (note the Cal Worsham appearance; I guess he finally healed from those fights with Paul Varleans and Tank Abbott.)
The funny thing is that at least a few bigshots in the TV industry think that X-ARM is a good idea. They are partnering up with Endomol USA, who brought us high-quality entertainment such as “Fear Factor” (television’s premiere destination for watching people eat horse testicles), and “Wipeout” (which currently has the market for watching overweight klutzes being knocked into pools of water by giant, automated pieces of foam rubber cornered). Dismissing the previous incarnation as “a pretty primitive version of where we’re headed with it”, X-ARM partner Alan Winters looks forward to producing a video game and ‘extensive deployment of digital media’, whatever that means. “The technology that we’re going to build into this is going to be really interesting because you don’t see it anywhere else,” Winters says. Never before has the world had such an immersive, interactive, high-resolution experience involving two men beating each other senseless while lashed to a post.
The sheer awesomeness of this event will undoubtedly cast the world into a state of such ecstasy that the resulting moral iniquities will pave the way for the coming of the Bolontiku, nine Mayan underworld gods who will take over the world and smite all those who do not enjoy the result of this crossbreeding of MMA and tetherball. It’s been nice knowing you.