Since there are three prizes, there will be three winners, with winner #1 getting first pick of what they want. Here, then, are the talented insulters:

  1. Adam – “This reminds me of when my dog fell in love with the end of the couch.” Congrats, as this worked on both a visceral level (with me staring longingly into the eyes of “Bob”) and on an existential level (aren’t we all really just dogs falling in love with the end of the couch of life?). Anyhoo, you get the UFC bag.
  2. Nick – “I’ve seen better writing in Palhares’ personal journal.” Never mind that Rousimar Palhares is a best-selling author in Brazil (“Chicken Soup for the Torn ACL”, “Gone with the Shin”). The fact of the matter is that everyone assumes Palhares is just a simple jungle-dweller who probably reads Dr. Seuss books upside down, so the image your insult conjured is a fitting one. You can choose between a book written by some douchebag or some never-before-worn FCF t-shirts.
  3. Casey – “You write as if you’ve been injured by your father serving you some stove top stuffing. And by that I mean he has had vicious sex with you while pushed up against a kitchen appliance. It was at least one third consensual.” This happened, so you get whatever Nick doesn’t pick.

I will email each of you. Hit me back with your addresses and this motherfucker is on like Donkey Kong.

To the rest of you… hey, you tried. Except you glassjawsh. I really think you phoned this whole thing in.