This week’s massive load of fight announcements can only be described as the Peter North cumshot of the MMA industry. Zuffa’s announcement of a fight between Arista Ubreem and Cock Chestnar on December 30 was only the top news item in the MMA sphere for about 45 minutes before a Ben Henderson vs. Clay Guida’s matchup on the UFC FOX card showed us that the UFC is giving an “extra-special massage” to Fox just in case the only live fight, Junior Dos Santos vs. Cain Velasquez, ends early. Then there was the announcement of Matt Hughes vs. Josh Koscheck, which officially ended the “Hughes is ducking AKA” talk and should make those of us who don’t like Hughes happy with a nice, violent cranial explosion.

On top of that, there was Nick Diaz vs BJ Penn as a salve for those who aren’t all that impressed with GSP vs Carlos Condit. Then there’s the completely unnessesary Leonard Garcia / Nam Phan rematch no one was really asking for. I can’t complain about Big Nog vs Frank Mir 2, though. Now that Nog has been literally rebuilt, it should be interesting to see how that goes. Rory MacDonald will be facing crafty (but not crafty enough) veteran Brian ‘Hairrow’ Ebersole in Toronto, and Kid Yamamoto has already been booked back onto a card against Daren Uyenoyama.

The UFC decided to celebrate this momentous time of conspicuous MMA chop-licking by having a massive Roman-style orgy at its Las Vegas headquarters. Attendees included UFC President Dana White, Lorenzo and Frank Fertitta, approximately half the UFC roster, and several sheep. Salacious carousal took place until the police received the last of several noise complaints at about 5:00AM. “It was really the only fitting way to end the day,” said White, who served as the event’s photographer while flashing his inimitable grin. Nick Diaz was present but has not been seen since. Attendee Roy Nelson seemed particularly satisfied, remarking, “I knew I would eventually get laid,” before running off to calm down Melvin Guillard, who was feeling a bit overstimulated.

“This was a great opportunity to explore who I really am,” said Nick Ring. “Matt and Mark Hughes were a lot of fun, but a part of me thinks that they’re only hot because you get two of them.” Remarked BJ Penn, “I finally got to justify my nickname. And it was great seeing Chuck Liddell with the sheep, even though it was a little messed up because when it was over, he was pretty much a vegetable. Chuck, that is.” Unfortunately, Antonio Rodrigo Nogueira called it a “party foul” when Vitor Belfort yelled, “Marvin, you look like you have a lot on your hands- can I make another cut?” Plans for a TV deal for UFC: Orgy 2 are said to be in the works.