In just five short days Jon “War Machine” Koppenhaver will return to the cage for the first time since 2011 and, lucky for everyone, that means he’s sitting down to give long interviews instead of delivering the insanity one 140 character tweet at time.  War Machine talked with Stephanie Joplin about the usuals: porn, not being a pussy in jail, how the UFC is ruining the sport of MMA.  Oh, and how Cat Zingano is being paid off to fake an injury:

I don’t know.  Did she really get hurt, or is it a lie?  I bet you the UFC probably paid her to say she was hurt because they didn’t want her on the show; they wanted to have Miesha Tate instead.  I wonder if it’s real or not. I wonder if they were like, “We want the prettier girl on the show, here’s fucking $20 grand to say you’re hurt.”  I’m curious.  It’s bullshit because the UFC had their hearts set on Ronda Rousey and stupid “Cupcake.”  They got screwed over because Cat won and Cat’s not as much of a pretty girl or whatever… I don’t know, man.  Rousey is so one-dimensional.  The best MMA girls aren’t even in the UFC.  I’d rather watch the girls over in Invicta or Bellator.

The Cupcake is a lie!  Leave it to War Machine to take some kernels of truth (one-dimensional Rousey, WMMA’s lack of depth in the UFC, and Dana’s glee over the impending TUF catfights between the coaches) and turn it into a full-blown grassy knoll situation.

War Machine interviews: come for the conspiracy theories, stay for the part where he talks about sticking his dick in a pizza and fucking a chick.