It’s MYSTERIOUS BIG ANNOUNCEMENT time again! It’s just like Christmas, complete with a 50/50 chance you’re going to get something lame instead of what you really want!

UFC President Dana White will make a ‘major announcement’ this Thursday (Oct. 28) at 1pm ET in a conference call with media, the UFC announced on Tuesday.

No further details were revealed, but will be on the call and will have complete live coverage of the announcement.

Keep in mind that past BIG ANNOUNCEMENTS have ranged from great but not very exciting (Lorenzo Fertitta workin for the UFC full time) to lame and not worthy of the BIG ANNOUNCEMENT tag (UFC dolls). The fact that this is a conference call and not a full blown press conference also increases the chances that this is something closer to announcing Cain’s first title defense than a broadcast deal with FOX. But let’s get off educated guesses and instead recycle some wild speculation, courtesy of Matt from Scramble:

  • The UFC has acquired the intellectual property rights to the punch, the armbar, bow ties, and wrestling, meaning that anybody found engaging in punching, armbarring, wrestling or wearing bow ties without the prior written consent of Zuffa LLC will be required to cease and desist or face being sued so hard their hair and/or teeth will fall out.
  • Lorenzo Fertitta will announce that “Robocop 2 is one of the most underrated action/sci fi sequels out there.”
  • The grand opening of “UFC Land”, a theme park based on Ultimate Fighting. Located in Zagreb, Croatia (which was demolished specifically for the project). The park will feature rides such as “The Crushinator”, “Sir Punchalot”, “Let’s Get It On–In Space”, “Clay Guida’s Hair Maze”, “Escape from Mount Tito”, “Steroid Scramble” and many more.

  • The creation of a women’s division with a twist! Competitors are restricted to men wearing makeup and sports bras stuffed with tissue paper, wearing 28oz gloves.
  • In a miracle of modern science, Dana White is pregnant with the Fertittas’ baby. They are very happy with the news and plan on calling him “Marvin P. Ultimator”, with the P apparently standing for Punch. No word yet on how angry the Fertittas will be when the baby is born with a mohawk and a beer belly and Dana grins sheepishly at them while Chuck Liddell bangs on the delivery room window with a tear in his eye yelling “Give me back my baby, give me back my baaaaby”
  • An incredible new twist for the Ultimate Fighter Reality show… each competitor will have an explosive neck brace attached to them which will detonate when the wearer says any one of a dozen randomly selected “Death Words”. Competitors fight for control of the “Death Button” which causes instant and gory decapitation of the fighter of their choice. Plus, the TUF house will have a basement!!!
  • The UFC will be dropping the naming convention as it currently stands. Instead each event will be named after a species of intestinal worm, e.g. UFC 102: Nematodes! and UFC 1005: Trematodes! When the names of parasitic worms have been exhausted, Dana White will “just think of the sub-titles his damn self” by going to meditate in a mountain cave, eating a thesaurus and punching himself in the face every day for a week.
  • Tito Ortiz will join the UFC again but not as a fighter. He will be in charge of checking spelling and grammar on all UFC public communications. When pressed on the issue Dana will say that “It will encourage Tito to improve himself and plus I love the way his butt moves when he’s wearing a suit. Like two plums in seran wrap, yeah baby ooh.” Dana will say this while putting his finger in his shirt and twiddling his nipples. Tito will nod and then blow one of those party blowers that goes “wheeeeeee”, then stand up to reveal that he is not wearing any pants and say “I are going to do my bestest to write good letters for the UCF.”
  • Eddie Bravo will no longer work for the UFC. Dana White will say “What? We employed that creep? What the hell, he doesn’t even do anything. Holy crap, get him out of my company YESTERDAY. And scrub down all the chairs. Yeesh.”
  • In an attempt to appease the Japanese market, Dana White will crash a fighter jet emblazoned with an American Flag into the Japanese parliament. He will backflip out and high five Bruce Springsteen who will then give an impromptu five-hour rockathon. When the Japanese authorities attempt to arrest the singer and promoter, Bruce and Dana will grab the mic and say in unison “It’s boss time!” at which point a breakdancing bald eagle with a jetpack on will appear on stage and throw shapes to a rap/rock remix of The Star Spangled Banner. Finally, Lorenzo Fertitta will appear from a trapdoor wearing a leotard and fire a rocket at the moon which will explode revealing the message “HELLO JAPAN! UFC IS HER!” (it was meant to say “HERE” but there was an unfortunate typo.)
  • Dana White will eat a spoonful of cinammon without choking or anything. The press will look on in stunned and reverential silence.