After yesterday’s epic showdown between Fedor Emelianenko and a guy who hadn’t fought in two years, Fedor announced his retirement. And why did he do this? Is it because he’s realized he’s getting old? Is he tired of fighting an endless litany of cans? Here’s what he said after his fight:

“I think it’s time. I’m retiring from sports. I still have the SAMBO World Championships. My family is the reason I will not be fighting again. My daughters are growing without their father, so it’s the right time to leave.”

Goddamnit. First it’s M-1 screwing everything up, now it’s Fedor’s family. Someone needs to kidnap his daughter and force him to fight in a crazy underground tournament or something. Actually, considering he’s buddies with one of the most powerful dictators in the world, I take that back. Even the suggestion of messing with his kids might result in some polonium-210 in my Lucky Charms.

This retirement stuff seems a bit premature, like maybe Fedor forgot to do something. Did no one tell him if he doesn’t compete in the UFC before retiring his career means nothing? He must not read forums or twitter.