Beware, unsuspecting populace: hiding behind a veneer of harmlessness and outwardly appearing to be gentle and docile, cows secretly want to fuck you up. They’re pissed off that more of us aren’t vegetarians, and they’re doing something about it. Folkloric rumblings about falling cows have been legitimized in recent years by too many stories about cows cannonballing themselves at people to ignore. They evidently teach each other in cow terrorist training camps to kneel down one last time on their cow prayer rugs and then hurl themselves at people like delicious, savory suicide bombers.

Scottish amateur MMA fighter Ally McCrae is the latest victim of this diabolical revenge plot by our manure-generating prisoners. McCrae, also known as “McCrazy”, was a member of Scotland’s Dinky Ninjas team, a blue belt in BJJ, a wrestler, and a skilled Thai boxer, but he was no match for a dead cow that fell off a conveyor belt in a slaughterhouse where he was working. The slaughterhouse workers won the first round, killing the cow and hanging its carcass by a hook. But the cow landed an Atomic Butt Drop in round two that caused McCrae to have a fatal heart attack. Besides serving as a warning of the imminent threat posed by the ruminant master plan to elinimate humans, this incident clearly illustrates the need for strict adherence to weight classes in MMA.