(Matthew Polly is back with some helpful pointers on how to honorably guide yourself through the process of dealing with an MMA loss in front of a crowd of crunked out asshammers.)

You have just embarrassed yourself, your coaches, and your teammates. You also made your mother cry. And your wife is furious you didn’t earn the win bonus, because you won’t be able to fix her car like you said you would for the last six months. Let all that humiliation ooze out of your enlarged pores. Drop your head, cover your face, and slump your shoulders. You are the lowliest of the low. Let everyone see you down. It will create sympathy in the audience and the potential for a Comeback Kid storyline.

Unless you made a number of youtube videos mocking your opponent’s ego, accent, and nationality, he will most likely try to be gracious. Whether you are lying on your back with a doctor pointing a pen light into your eyes or folded on a stool with Stitch wiping copious amounts of blood from your face, gratefully accept the victor’s hug and the false praise he whispers into your ear. Sure, it looks a little gay, but this is MMA, which zombie boxing promoters already think is gay. Go with it.

Do not crumple in a corner and cry or, for God’s sake, run from the ring. Of course, you are an emotional being and defeat is anguish, but you are also a pro and losses in MMA are, unlike in boxing, an accepted part of the sport. Besides, some snarky bastard will illegally edit the clip, put it to music, and upload it. Then another snarky bastard will write a post about “being a man” and link to it. Always remember that you might not have just one but maybe even two New York Times bestsellers in you. Crying and running hurt sales.

When Joe Rogan sticks that mike in your face, end the shame ritual immediately. Straighten your back, lift up your head, and speak clearly. Praise your opponent: “He was a lot tougher than I expected.” Hint that this was a one-off: “Tonight just wasn’t my night.” Pitch the comeback storyline: “I’m heading back to the gym and next time I’ll be a lot more technical, skilled, conditioned, talented, ripped, handsome, well-hung, etc.” Just remember to forget to mention your sponsors. They don’t want to be associated with your loss, especially since most of them are apparel companies that are on the verge of bankruptcy anyway.

This is also known as the anti-Tito Ortiz rule. Study his behavior and do the exact opposite, e.g. do not marry a porn star that is more famous and wealthy than you are. Here are more examples:

1) Do not mention prior medical conditions. Every fighter has fought hurt.

2) Do not say you took the fight on “short notice.” You are a professional and should be ready to step up at any moment.

3) Do not blame the referee for an “early stoppage.” Would you and your doctors have preferred a late stoppage?

4) Do not question the judges’ decision, even if one of them was Cecil Peoples. It’s not like you finished the fight. Besides only Dana White is allowed to bash the judges and you either work for him or wish you did. Keep your mouth shut and hope he bumps up your locker room bonus.

5) Do not blame it on relationship troubles. You are a fighter, and therefore, by definition, the vast majority of women who are attracted to you are promiscuous, damaged, batshit crazy, or all of the above. If you wanted a happy home life you should have gone into real estate…like Chael Sonnen.

(Matt Polly’s next book is coming out soon, which is good because we’ll all need a palate cleanser after Brock Lesner’s gripping DEATH CLUTCH biography.)