I know what you were thinking after watching last week’s Bellator stink-toe incident (NSFW unless you work for a urologist or STD clinic). You were thinking, “with all the newfangled Internets and Burj Dubais around these days, why can’t they design a cup that provides more protection than a styrofoam egg carton filled with broken lightbulbs?” Well, a guy named Craig Diamond has gotten a patent on a cup design that he says actually works. And to prove it, he has taken to putting MMA fighters on megaphones to announce that they will be smashing him in the balls with a hammer, then absorbing the blows with a smile.

Diamond’s website, which sells the cup and jock for $110, features an ESPN Sports Science-style video on the cup minus the geeky comparisons between the force of a nut kick and the charge of a rampaging hippo. Other videos of this cup abound, such as Erik Koch kicking someone in the balls really hard while wearing it and a cup-protected-tomato-getting-run-over-by-a-car comparison test, which clearly implies the balls-through-a-meat-grinder effect of choosing to protect your marbles with a Shock Doctor instead of a Diamond cup. I’m convinced that I want one of these babies in my stocking (OK, in my pants) this year.