To anyone who scoffs at my suggestion that Drew Fickett may pull off a comeback, consider this: a few years ago Joe Riggs had a fucked up spine and a painkiller addiction. Now he’s a darkhorse favorite to win Bellator’s Fight Master reality show. Those who say there’s no second acts in America clearly don’t watch MMA (or VH1).

But all you next-gen noobs probably weren’t aware that Joe Riggs is something of a bastard. Here’s a story about how he pissed all over a gym shower floor to get back at a dude with no legs for tapping him during training. Really. And now here he is talking to BJ Penn Radio about how small and weird looking some of his fellow UFC fighters’ penises are. Yes, really!

There was this one time where we were… in Utah, and we were getting ready for UFC 60.  There was me, John Alessio, Joe Stevenson, Jay Hieron, Mac Danzig, myself, and I think that was it.  We were all packed in training for UFC 60- we were all getting ready for something.

So anyways, this guy, Billy Rush- he passed away- he was there, and he had a girl with him.  This was before I was married.  We were like, ‘Bring the girls over here.’  Anyway, these girls come- all these hot girls- come through and were like, ‘Let’s play spin the bottle.’  Then they all take their shirts off, and I’m like, ‘Oh shit!’  I’m really kind of, I’m a ***** around girls.  I’m kind of a shut-in.  But they all take their shirt[s] off, and anyway, and it goes to Joe Stevenson, and they dare him to- I shouldn’t say this, this is bad!- they dare him to take his pants off.  And he took his pants off, and he had the smallest dick I’ve ever seen on a man in my life.  Joe had the biggest, serbian bush and this little turtle… My son is a five-year old, and he has the same size dick as Joe Stevenson.  And I was like, ‘Good God, man!  How do you get your wife off with that little bastard?’

But anyways, he took his pants off, and the ladies were aghast with that little ****.  But anyways, Jay Hieron was next, and Jay takes his pants off, and he’s got a ****ing anaconda **** all the way down to his knees.  I’m like, ‘God damnit, this ****ing ashy dick hanging down.’  So I was like, ‘Ah, ****!’  So anyways it goes to me, they’re like, ‘Joe, take your pants off,’ and I was like, ‘No, no, I’ll be the good one.’  So it goes to John Alessio, and he has an uncircumcised dick so they’re busting his chops.  So I was like, ‘God, I got all these ****ed up dicks hanging around me.’ And Billy Rush was laying in the corner with a condom hanging half-way off his dick, just drunk in the corner.  I was like, ‘What the **** is going on?!’

Anyways, all these guys ended up getting blowjobs from these girls.  I think me and Joe Stevenson were just watching TV, and they’re like, ‘That was great, man, that was great!’  After that, Billy was like, ‘Oh no, it was great.  But watch out, they were whores.’  [Laughs]  I won’t name who, but one of them was eating a prostitute’s vagina, and that is a disgusting mess of a thing to do.  And to his credit, he didn’t know she was a prostitute.  So that was a ****ing horrible thing.

Jesus Christ man, even as I post this story for pageviews and profit I will at the same time implore you to keep these skeezy group sex stories to yourself. Do you hear Antonio Banuelos talking about the time he and Chuck Liddell Batman and Robin’d half the bitches in Vegas? Or Ryan Bader and CB Dollaway discussing whatever disgusting things they undoubtedly get up to on a weekly basis? Now I have visions of Joe Stevenson’s hairy pecker stuck in my head.

(pic by Scott Peterson for MMA Weekly)