“Please help me come up with a new nickname, the mean kids are picking on me.”

Lyoto “The Dragon” Machida may have won the Jon Jones sweepstakes with a perfectly placed punch that Ryan Bader handed him on a silver platter, with fixins, but it was Joe Lauzon who was the night’s big winner. Lauzon won both Fight of the Night and Submission of the Night honors, and if you’ve been keeping count, that makes 11 total fight night bonuses for the guy with the worst nickname in the sport (J-Lau).

That puts him atop Chris Lytle (10 fight night bonuses) as the sport’s most exciting fighter, statistically speaking of course. Another cool factoid that was pointed out to us by Mike Goldberg is that Lauzon now has 22 wins- ALL by finish. Goldy earned his keep with that little gem. I must admit I did not know that, and I spend a pathetic amount of time sifting through shit like this. Normally Goldy can only be counted on to keep the broadcast flowing, make redundant statements like, “These guys train hard, Joe,” and have the whitest bottom teeth in the entire world. But finally he comes through with something substantial. Respect!

Peep this cat’s record. Anyone who has ever watched Lauzon fight could see he’s a “kill or be killed” type of fighter, but damn man, 22 wins – 100% one of them by some method of violent finish, and seven losses – 6 by equally violent finish. Lauzon has only been to a decision once in 29 fights. Not to mention that little 100% finishing rate. As far as I’m concerned that puts Lauzon right up there on the “Bad Mutha Fucka” scale with Wade Garrett and Jules Winnfield.

The only thing that has simply got to go is that nickname. J-Lau is not the name of the sport’s premier finisher. It just can’t be. J-Lau is the name of a highly annoying celebrity with a splendid ass. Lauzon needs a proper nickname. It should befit a man of his new status and include some mention of “balls,” or “sack,” or something to that effect. I suck at nicknames so this is not an offering, but merely a suggestion based on the profound belief that MMA’s most exciting fighter (arguably), cannot have a soft-ass nickname like J-Lau.