After knocking Randy Couture stupid with a crane kick, Lyoto Machida gave the credit of perfecting the technique to Sensei Steven Seagal, who has formed an alliance with Black House fighters, and will probably be helping Machida out for his upcoming fight against Ryan Bader as well.

Here’s a suggestion for the Bader camp: hire Jean Claude Van Damme. Hell, what better way to combat the mastery of a martial arts/action movie icon then to hire his greatest counterpart of the genre. During the 90’s these two were the goods. It was like back in the 70’s when Chuck Norris and Bruce Lee were the top martial dogs, and they finally fought it out in Return of the Dragon. It’s a shame that no movie director ever had the vision to pit Seagal and Van Damme together on the silver screen. Think about it, circa 1990, Segal did Out for Justice, where he received international acclaim for his dead-on-balls Brooklyn accent, while Van Damme did Lionheart, which took dramatic acting to new and exciting levels. If not for that damn overrated Dances with Wolves the same year, Van would have been a lock for that Oscar.

If Seagal can teach lifelong martial artists such as Lyoto Machida and Anderson Silva simple techniques that have worked against the sport’s best, then certainly Van Damme can have similar success with Bader. Maybe he can show him how to knock guys out with that slow-ass, painfully telegraphed high kick he loves so much, or maybe he can show him how to toughen up that shin bone by kicking down a tree. The possibilities are limitless.

The point is that Black House is revolutionary, they’re thinking outside the box with Seagal. Other camps had better get their shit together and start contracting some ex-movie stars before it’s too late. Bolo Yeung is still around, ya know, the big Asian guy with the gargantuan chesticles. Sonny Chiba is still around too, as is Jim Kelly. These camps better not wait too long, all these guys are old as hell.