Beginning January 12th there are five events going down before the end of the month: two UFC, two Bellator, and the final Strikeforce show. It’s a lot of tussling’, and the best part is every second of it is free. Well that’s assuming your cheap ass has a Showtime subscription. You don’t? Come on, son. Shits like $10 a month, and if you aint down with Dexter or Homeland, then Emmy Rossum’s small yet perky breasts are well worth the cost.

Anyway, here’s how we’re looking:

January 12th, Strikeforce: Marquardt vs Saffiedine

Sure, this card is nowhere near as good as what it started out as, they even had to ditch the name “Champions” after Gil Melendez and Luke Rockhold suffered “injuries” that forced them off of it. But it’s still pretty decent, and it’s momentous. Strikeforce is being mercifully put down, but they were a quality promotion for many years. Nate Marquardt seeks to defend the sanctity of his meaningless hunk of metal, while some poor Dutch dude is being done straight wrong against Daniel Cormier. Also on the card, Josh Barnett, Pat Healy, Roger Gracie, and Tim Kenndy all face grossly overmatched opponents, and that’s some Goddamn vintage Strikeforce right there, folks. Don’t miss it.

January 17th, Bellator LXXXV – whateverthefuck number that is

Bellator is coming out strong for their Spike debut. This aint some bootleg card where they haphazardly throw Rich Clementi into the main event and Jimmy Smith and Sean Wheelock shamelessly pimp it as legit. Oh no. Here, finally, we have the only two Top 10 fighters on their roster – Michael Chandler and Pat Curran defending their titles after being criminally shelved for the better part of 2012.

January 19th, UFC on FX: Belfort vs Bisping

A great main event match-up between the beloved Vitor Belfort and the most hated prick in MMA, Michael Bisping, this bout is half of a title eliminator. Dana White has stated that if Bisping wins he is next in line to get beat down by Anderson Silva, whereas Vitor is not because getting knocked stupid via front kick to the face just doesn’t warrant a rematch at this point. Also on the card, Gabe Gonzaga takes on Ben Rothwell in a match that could get super ugly if it doesn’t end in the first round.

January 24th, Bellator LXXXVI

Yeah I know, Ben Askren is headlining this one, so why should anyone watch it when that time can be better spent cleaning the toilet, or just sitting alone in a dark room? Well, because while the fight itself may lack any semblance of entertainment whatsoever, reading the brutal tweets from around the MMA community sure is fun. And then reading Ben defend himself is even better. Oh yeah, King Mo is also on the card against a guy with no Wikipedia page, which means he’ll probably score a quick knockout, then bash the “uneducated” MMA fans who criticize his opponent.

January 26th, UFC on FOX: Johnson vs Dodson

After getting slammed last year for the quality of their FOX events, the UFC has upped their game. The last FOX card was phenomenal, and this one is no different. It’s a PPV level show headlined by the cartoon dust cloud of Demetrious Johnson and John Dodson. Donald Cerrone and Anthony Pettis is one of the best pure match-ups imaginable. And I’m going to have a ginormous boner watching Glover Teixeira send Rampage Jackson packing. Also of note, Clay Guida has been demoted to the undercard for the first time since the UFC still held events on the Versus Network. It’s a well deserved punishment, no doubt, for his bizarre showing back in June. But he’s making his featherweight debut against Hatsu Hioki in what should be a great fight.