There were many winners at UFC 153. The event turned out to be truly awesome. When the main card produces three submissions, two TKO’s, and the only decision is the best freakin’ fight of the night, the boners are plentiful and rock hard. Aside from the official Fight Night bonus winners:  Jon Fitch and Erick Silva for FOTN, Rony Jason for KOTN, and Big Nog for SOTN, I’m sure the “locker room” checks were flowing because hey, the shit was well-deserved. Here are the honors you won’t hear about.

Promoter of the Year: Dana White & Joe Rogan, for using Bonnar’s size and the fact that he’d never been finished in the UFC to convince many people that not only was he a legitimate opponent, but that he actually stood a chance.

Biggest Letdown: Erick Silva. I talked a lot of shit to people about how Erick Silva was going to smash Jon Fitch, how he was the future of 170, even more so than Rory McDonald, and blah, blah, etc. Well, let’s just say I felt like a complete dick. Fitch came in, and with an intensity we’ve never seen from him, beat the living shit out of Silva. Sure, Silva gassed, and was doing pretty good until he did, but conditioning is a skill just like striking or wrestling, and if that aint up to par you’re fucked.

Best Gaza Strip Bombing Look: Rick Story. It took only two and a half minutes for Demian Maia to put on a grappling clinic in how to utterly dominate and destroy. He basically just did what he wanted, when he wanted. And when he couldn’t get the actual choke he was going for, he just decided to crush Story’s face until blood shot out of his nose instead. When it was over, poor Rick Story just sat there with a despondent look on his face like, “What the fuck just happened?”

Worst Game Plan: Dave Herman. Deploying an offense consisting entirely of extending your lead arm like a traffic cop, throwing a kick to the body every two minutes, and doing pretty much nothing else might seem like a winning strategy in theory, but…no actually it just seems like a stupid game plan no matter how you slice it.

Dumbest Comment: Mike Goldberg for, “Part of me still thinks he (A Silva) let Chael Sonnen take him down in round one of their second fight.” We can always count on ole Goldy for some ludicrous comments, but this was about as ridiculous as any other. Silva damn near lost the first fight because of takedowns. Why on earth would he allow Sonnen to take him down in the second? And why on earth am I trying to rationalize the irrational?

Most Justified in Issuing a Blanket “BLOW ME” to the World: Jon Fitch. MMA fans have been busting Fitch’s balls for years for his conservative approach to fighting. Well, last night he showed us that he does actually possess some aggression by showing the young lion, Erick Silva how it’s done. Fitch more than deserves his accolades, but it’d have been nice if he didn’t wait until he was 34 to harness his inner killer. Just sayin’.

Most Likely to be Charged with a Felony: Glover Teixeira. Most guys who come into the UFC with a huge rep after spending most of their careers beating up guys without Wikipedia pages fail to live up to the hype, or downright disappoint, ie Hector Lombard. But Teixeira showed that his utter destruction of Kyle Kingsbury in his Ocatgon debut was no fluke, because he did the same exact thing against Fabio Maldonado. He absolutely kicked the shit out of Maldonado to the point where the fight should have been stopped in the first round, and the police called. This dude is for real and needs a Top 5 opponent next because he may be the one to breathe new life into a division that Jon Jones’ dominance has quickly made a tad uninteresting.

Best Sho Kosugi Impersonation: Anderson Silva. Growing up in the 80’s, ninjas were all the rage. I even had some younger kid in the neighborhood convinced I was a ninja, and he would come over and ask me to teach him. Mostly I would just fuck with him, ya know, harmless little things like making him perform a ninja roll over a log of dog shit or running into the filthy, rat-infested river we lived by to retrieve one of the ninja stars that would miss its mark and end up in the drink. It was all in good fun. But if a true ninja exists, it’s Anderson Silva. He does what he wants, when he wants, and seems to know what his opponent is going to do before he does it. He clowned Stephan Bonnar last night, maybe not as bad as Forrest Griffin, but still pretty bad, and ended it exactly at the point when he decided it needed to end. The man is simply superb, the greatest martial artist ever.