Finally, the long awaited details in Brazilian slugger Maquiel Falcao’s female assault charge from 2002, direct from Falcao:

“In 2002, I was at a club with a couple of friends, and one of them had an argument with another group of guys,” Falcao said. “They started fighting, and soon it became a fight between two groups. One girl got injured in the lips during this mess and took me and my friends to court. I was considered guilty for aggression.”

Okay, that’s not really all the details. The important part is how ‘the girl got injured in the lips’ and what that even means. There’s a pretty big difference between “One of our girls scratched one of their girls in the face” and “My buddy bounced this bitch’s head off a glass table after she hit him.”