“No, I will NOT cut off my penis to drop the last two pounds!”

When you’re at Dennis Hallman’s level in the UFC, there’s always that possibility that you’re one loss away from being cut. As if the intrinsic pressure every UFC fight brings wasn’t enough to make Hallman feel the heat, he was already on Old Man Dana’s shit list after accidentally showing his balls to everyone at UFC 133. In case you’re wondering why that’s bad, I don’t mean his metaphorical courage balls. I mean his actual wrinkly pink testicles.

To crank the vise grip even tighter on Hallman’s already-malfunctioning gonads, Hallman also missed weight for his UFC 140 fight against John Makdessi by 2.5 pounds. And doesn’t the UFC just love it when fighters screw that up. From Hallman’s interview with Shitdog radio:

Joe [Silva] told me directly to my face that it was bad news and I’m probably going to get cut. I said, ‘Well, I guess I’m going to have to put on the performance of my life then, huh?’ and he said, ‘Yes, sir.’

If I would have lost this fight after pissing Uncle Dana off with the bikini and then not making weight, if I would have not have performed, if I wouldn’t have finished this guy, if I would have fought him to a decision or something, then I could have expected to get cut even if I would have won. But I think that giving him the business and handling him the way I did probably saved my job and gave me one more chance to not screw up again.

Evidently there’s nothing like positive, life-affirming encouragement to provide the motivation to win, because Hallman submitted John Makdessi in less than three minutes. Even though he won, Hallman still had to pay Makdessi $5,000 for failing to make weight, in accordance with the generally accepted philosophy that starving fighters like dogs and holding guns to their heads makes them more vicious and therefore able to put on a better show.