“Oh yeah… Oh yeah…”

A final development from the UFC 164 post-fight scrum was the revelation that Benson Henderson has been friend zoned, never to catch a whiff of the eternal vagina of the 155-pound strap as long as it is occupied by Anthony Pettis’ manhood. According to Dana White, Henderson’s 0–2 record, “first round anal annihilation” in the second fight, and scruffy hairstyle make Henderson virtually undateable by Pettis anytime soon:

“Definitely is. Definitely is,” UFC president Dana White responded when asked if Henderson being down 0-2 to Pettis [i]s a factor in how soon Henderson can score a trilogy. “We had the fight with Ben and Frankie [Edgar] where some people [didn’t know who won]. There’s no f—— denying who won this fight, and it was a first round annihilation, kind of like the Vitor [Belfort]-Anderson [Silva] thing.”

While it is hard to argue with this logic from a promotional standpoint, a part of me also feels sorry for Henderson. First he ate a kick that he’s probably had to see replayed to him thousands of times, then he got caught in an armbar no one saw coming, and now he wakes up without another shot at the title for potentially years. I guess things could be worse for him: maybe he’ll become a venerable perennial runner-up character like Rich Franklin—hell, maybe they’ll make another weight class for him, too. Then, with more belts to go around, maybe it wouldn’t be such a promotional hazard for one fighter to hold multiple titles, and the UFC title shuffle could be less boringly monogamous and more like fun, inclusive group sex.

(Dick is a Fightlinker staff writer who has been with the site since 2011. He often uses his dick in New York City, as chronicled here [NSFW—female breasts].)