Jackals, the return of Dick has been secured. I originally stopped writing (15 months ago now—time flies) because I added another extra job to my first extra job, and my eyes literally started hurting from the monitor glare. That, and they told me I couldn’t say “shit” anymore. However, my primary job is now being replaced with grad school, and the anti-“shit” rule has been lifted, so I have been coerced into renewing my stewardship of your MMA-related shitting, pissing, and fucking alike.

I miss shit. –Ryan Harkness, Fightlinker, 2012

You will be happy to know that when settling my agreement with Rebellion Media, dear Jackals, instead of negotiating for more of your hard-earned cash, I secured the right to use additional swear words in my posts. The Company’s initial offer to me was Vice-level swearing (approx. 1–2 swears per 1000 words), but I refused to return for less than 15 swears per 1000 words plus a Verizon-like “fuck” rollover policy, rationalizing that at least 5–7 per post would be needed to serve as your chum. I had intentionally overplayed my hand, only actually wanting the right to use 3 swear words per post, so Rebellion’s acceptance of my first offer with no counter-negotiation leads me to believe that I really had them bent over a barrel.

So, until Ryan fixes the old RV down by the river, the thoughts of Dick will be funneled unfiltered directly into your cyber-gullets. This is a somewhat unique situation, because let’s just say the things on Dick’s cutting room floor would make R. Lee Ermey blush. After all, my falling cow piece was one of the ones that actually made it past the censor. I’ve been learning SEO from one of my friends (big boobs—#Asian 34C), and I’ve kept up by listening to nearly every episode of the Joe Rogaine Experience, so I think you’re in for an improved read from my posts overall.

In my time away, I have been avidly following the fights, poopings, and mouth poopings (Microsoft Word: add to dictionary!) of MMAers, and I’ve noticed a few developing trends. After the jump, find my brief thoughts on some major issues that have developed over the last year and a short verdict on each.

Issue: Transgender MMA

Verdict: It turns me on; I joined the “Transgender MMA” group on Fetlife.com. This topic has attracted interest from all corners of society, and I love how it forces people to deal with issues in a way that is both visceral and scientific (and funny, in a really sick way). Seeing cis-women get their heads taken off by Fallon Fox could inspire MMA fans to learn about the actual science behind all of this, which I’m all for. The data gathered in a legitimate scientific debate on the subject could be useful, because there are groups who argue against any hard gender boundaries whatsoever. Could athletic commissions eventually be forced to acknowledge that certain differences in bone structure and reaction time exist between those born as male and female? What would that mean in terms of licensing? I am getting ready with several bottles of lotion while watching how this develops.

Issue: What’s wrong with Rousey?

Verdict: Probably nothing, but maybe everything. I honestly didn’t think much of it when news of Ronda Rousey’s “cray cray personality” on the set of The Ultimate Fighter surfaced. After all, the TUF set is a boiler room environment that is apt to bring out the worst in anyone—I can only imagine how I would act in that situation, and I personally know multiple fighters who were portrayed negatively in various ways on the show that did not turn out to be accurate. That does not worry me as much as the possibility of her losing sight of her fighting career in favor of other opportunities. Rumblings of Rousey’s upcoming retirement in 2 years made me think she attended the Jon Jones School of Public Relations. Further, while training for her second UFC fight, she’s already filming a major Hollywood movie during her training camp. As we’ve just seen with Anderson Silva, this is not a sport in which hubristic behavior is rewarded with continued success; ultimately, Rousey’s potential to last as champion depends on her ability to survive the adversity for which she cannot prepare if she already knows she’ll win her upcoming fights. What happens if an opponent somehow circles her butt out of Rousey’s super takedown combo in a sport where oil checks are illegal? We’ll just have to wait and see.

Issue: Fighters refusing opponents

Verdict: I understand both sides of this issue. Ultimately, it is a fighter’s right to choose whom he or she fights for any reason or no reason at all. As much as I would like to eat burgers made from the delicious flesh of certain fighters, they are not cattle who have to fight whomever we want. I don’t necessarily like how many people think that training partners are obligated to fight each other simply because of the organization of things within the UFC. However, when Vitor Belfort refuses to fight at 185 except for the title after recently losing to the champion, it creates nothing but problems. Refusing to fight fighters of a particular nationality is also much less warranted than refusing to fight a training partner, but these all seem to be treated with equal disdain by the UFC. The UFC should get its priorities in order in terms of what kind of opponent refusals it will accept, or it could avoid the whole issue by slashing fighter pay to the UFC 22 level of $1000. Then the fighters would be nice and hungry again and wouldn’t be able to afford to refuse fights. Bonus: no negative publicity from Bentley crashes.

Issue: TRT

Verdict: Bring on the freak nasties. The vast majority of fighters can currently dose themselves with whatever they want. We can vilify him all we want, but only a tiny percentage of them are under anywhere near as close of scrutiny as Alistair Overeem. Give more spontaneous drug tests after press conferences weeks before fights, and then see how many great fights are wrecked. If Sylvester Stallone can look this good at his age, why shouldn’t our noble UFC fighters?

Stay tuned for more of Dick’s ramblings in the days to come!