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Wisconsin’s monopoly on bombastic idiots shattered

This one's for you, Malcolm.

We live in a (plant life excluded) free, (if you don’t count the corporate welfare) capitalistic society, and it’s always troubling when you see an industry as vital and vibrant as spewing shit about mixed martial arts when you couldn’t differentiate your ass from your elbow so thoroughly dominated as it was by this prick from Milwaukee. Well, look out Wisconsin, because Perth is coming on like a fucking hurricane. Don’t let the opening stanza lull you into a false sense of security, mein Jackals. Malcolm Brown demonstrates that merely showing that you have read the rule book…

There is to be no eye-gouging, no spitting, no pulling hair, no ”putting a finger into any orifice or any cut or laceration of an opponent”. No kicking the head of a grounded opponent.

But mixed martial arts lets just about anything else go, combining tactics from combat sports including punching, elbowing, kneeing, kicking, wrestling, choking and grappling.

…(and extra points for not mentioning no headbutting, no biting, no knees on the ground and drug testing performed by the organization because your fucking country doesn’t have a commission, pal) doesn’t mean you’ve done even the most precursory research into just what the fuck it IS you’re talking about. Immediately preceding a half-cocked anecdote from an amateur boxing career that no one cares about, Malcolm ‘I’d’ve called ’em Chazwozzles!’ Brown lets fly this gem:

Those watching on television will see blood flowing and clearly distressed combatants dropping to the canvas, and then having blows rained onto their heads. The fighters are in a cage, almost dehumanising them. It seems to be a regression to the true blood sports, the gladiatorial contests in the Colosseum.

By contrast, boxing is properly controlled. The possibility of brain damage through concussion is well recognised and referees intervene at the first sign of genuine distress. Opponents are not to be hit when they are down and must always be allowed to get up again.

15-20%. This is the percentage of boxers that are estimated to be affected by Dementia pugilistica, which is as much a euphemism for ‘punch drunk’ as post traumatic stress disorder is for ‘shell shocked’. The gloves in boxing don’t protect the fighter’s head – they protect the fighter’s hands. Dull, repetitive blows over a career of 12 and 15 round fights, repeated thousands of times, has given us an entirely new classification of brain damage, and this fucker has the audacity to not only compare MMA’s safety record to boxing’s, but to cast boxing as the safer of the two. What a fucking joke. Hey Malcolm: the fact that they’re allowed to get up is a big part of why this condition EVEN EXISTS, and you’re trying to infer that MMA is not ‘properly controlled’ by, say, a referee/doctor combination that, independent of each other, can end the fight at any time. Which is bullshit. Much like your argument.

I skip stupid things every day – I downloaded an add-on to Fallout 3 (oh yeah, and be sure to thank the pussies that run Australia’s Office of Film and Literature Classification for making Bethesda rename/remove the actual drug references from the game – really cleaned up the experience of wiping out that whole cave full of children with a lead pipe and then stealing all their shit!), so frankly, I have better things to do with my time than refute every half assed, flawed, unsubstantiated argument that pops up on the Interwebs. But you, Malcolm Brown, produced something so asinine, so trite, so utterly divorced from reality, that you convinced a stoner on his day off from school to procrastinate on ordering pizza just so he could write about how dumb you are. You even motivated me to Google Image ‘you’re a fucking idiot’. I think I’ll name him Malcolm.