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War Machine is a gentleman and a scholar. Psych!

It’s no secret that the man formerly known as Jon Koppenhaver ain’t that bright. You don’t legally change your name to War Machine if you have any semblance of intelligence. My mom works with retarded kids and I had her ask Billy the Shit Eater, who eats his own shit, what he thought of such a name change and Billy the Shit Eater said, with a mouthful of shit, “That is the dumbest fucking thing I’ve ever heard.”

But this is old news, as is “The Human Punch Line” getting the boot from the UFC for his disparaging comments about the late Evan Tanner and turning down a fight against Brandon Wolff. He turned down the Wolff fight because all of his “friends” said Wolff was “savage” and “sick.” Don’t worry though, War Machine. I always thought it was a good idea when starting a new job to make unsettling comments about recently deceased employees and to turn down potentially difficult tasks, too. Fucktard. By the way, Wolff didn’t look too “savage” or “sick” when he ate about 45 knees to the dome courtesy of the “Killa B” Ben Saunders. Don’t you look even sillier now, Mr. Machine?

This is just cannon fodder for the real joke: the contents of War Machine’s MySpace. Do not click the link if you are faint of heart as viewing the page will likely cause you to laugh so hard that you shit, puke, and cry all at the same time — which is essentially what happens after women see me naked. Highlights after the jump.

War Machine not revealing his real age but instead letting the ladies know he’s both witty and up-front:

69 years old

War Machine letting us know what type of people don’t exactly tickle his fancy:

I hate fake people, liars too…so if ur one of them, KILL YOURSELF! (note: When he accused Evan Tanner of committing suicide, was he also claiming Tanner was a liar? So many questions…)

War Machine letting us know he’s an independent spirit:

I DO WHAT THE FUCK I WANT TO DO AND CAN CARE LESS WHAT ANYONE THINKS OF ME…IM A LEADER.

War Machine letting us know what he thinks about higher education:

NO, I DONT HAVE A BACK-UP PLAN…THEY ARE FOR LOSERS AND QUITTERS. THEY SET YOU UP FOR FAILURE. (note: This is puzzling because it   also says he graduated from the Citadel with a major in Biology. I bet anyone a case of beer that he majored in Bio so he could tell girls he knew all about the human body and, unlike most guys, knew where to find the clit .)

War Machine getting philosophical:

REAL WAR IS FOUGHT BETWEEN THOSE WHO KNOW AND HATE EACHOTHER. ANYONE WHO HAS EXPERIENCED THIS…KNOWS ITS BEAUTY.

War Machine on his plans for mass genocide:

I’d like to meet the person who invented “civilization” and then kill all of his descendants. (note: It appears as though we’re dealing with a villain on the same level of smarts as Dr. Evil or the Home Alone guys. His plan for world destruction would likely include knocking the world out of orbit with a weapon he purchased on eBay.)

Long story short, this guy is a goddamn idiot. I am surprised he is capable of tying his shoes in the morning and wiping his own ass so how he has been able to put together a moderately successful career in MMA is mind boggling. The fact that this guy probably gets laid on the regular while I spend my nights jerking it with sandpaper makes me even angrier.

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