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UFC on Fox ratings go from bad to okay to great

Well, it looks like my speculation that UFC on FOX’s Velasquez vs. Dos Santos fight might not have been the most-watched MMA fight in US history turned out just like my speculation in IFL stock. Both times, I ended up writhing in self pity with human rectal spatter all over my face.

After totally not suspicious recalculations, the 64 seconds of the Velasquez vs. Dos Santos title bout attracted 8.8 million viewers, shattering Kimbo vs. Thompson’s previous record peak of 6.5 million. The UFC brass is also going door to door counting people who watched the fight on DVR in a Scientology-style mission to get the final tally over 9 million. In reaction to hearing that the show attracted so many viewers, rumor has it that Dana White ” target=”_blank”>jumped on a desk like Tom Cruise and told everyone to leave work and go celebrate by smashing the nearest vagina and swilling Bud Light.

According to Sports Illustrated, the UFC broadcast began with 5.2 million viewers, but lost about 800,000 during 36 minutes of pre-fight soporifics. Within three minutes of the end of the fight, the audience shrunk back down to 5.9 million viewers. The lesson behind this is obvious: if people wanted to hear someone with severely inflamed bowels pretending to be an expert analyst, they would watch the Republican presidential debates. Dana White seems to have gotten this message, telling Ariel Helwani that the next UFC on FOX card will probably feature four, count ‘em, four fights, two of which have already been booked and will be revealed to the public after he makes the HUGE ANNOUNCEMENT to FOX next Monday. Dare we dream of prelims sneaking into the broadcast? DARE WE???