Hey, welcome to the totally sweet UFC 86 play by play. Tonight I’m going to try and hit that perfect balance between drunkenness and being sober – drunk enough to be funny but sober enough not to litter the pbp with countless spelling mistakes. Fortunately for me, everyone’s names are pretty easy to spell this time around (screw you, Roan Carneiro) so things should be all right.
Coverage starts at 10PM EST!
10PM Borg cube and gladiator. Hehe, Cote is sounding more french than normal. Almeida says ‘Jiu jitsu’ in the gracie way: jeeeeeew jiiiiisssoooooo. Forrest Griffin says he ain’t quitting … too bad you don’t need to quit to have your button pressed.
10:02PM There’s just something about the mandalay bay which makes it look a lot smaller than a lot of other arenas. Joe Rogan is wearing a non-black shirt for once … call Ripley’s. I’m looking forward to the monster pitstains later on in the night.
10:05PM It’s pretty interesting to me that they’re selling Almeida like the second coming of Christ even though he’s kinda untested since he’s come back. I’m pretty much all done hearing about Tapout’s ‘crazy sexy cool’ season 2. They’ve been pimping it for 3 fucking months.
MARCUS AURELIO VS TYSON GRIFFIN
10:07PM Rogan says “Wild Man” Aurelio is preferable to “Boring Do Nothing” Aurelio. Noooo shit! Okay, a few things that piss me off: 1. Where the fuck is everyone in Vegas? Empty seats galore. 2. Stop coming out to Eye of the Tiger, Tyson. Once was funny. Now it’s just lame-o.
10:15PM Tyson Griffin’s record really doesn’t reflect how meh he’s been over the past few fights.
Goldberg drools over Tyson’s big thighs. The two circle and Tyson stays outside … looks like he means it when he says he doesn’t want this going to the ground. The crowd starts boing 30 seconds in … a new record! Aurelio steps in and lands some blows. Griffin does a fake shoot and lands his own. Man, watching a wrestler and a jiu jitsu fighter strike is about as exciting as it sounds.
Tyson steps in and knocks Aurelio onto his back with a strike (but Aurelio just fell back, he wasn’t hurt). Griffin steps in and engages, he’s standing up in Aurelio’s open guard and trying to land strikes. Aurelio’s flipping his legs around and keeps nearly catching a triangle but not quite. He closes up the guard and is keeping his feet closed up by Tyson’s shoulders.
Griffin pulls back and the two fighters stand back up. 1 minute left in the round. These guys SUCK at striking. Griffin is throwing wild and Aurelio’s jab is just slow, labored, crap and poop. Watching him strike is like watching Michael Jordan play baseball. Aurelio shoots in and pushes Tyson against the cage to end the round
MY SCORECARD: GRIFFIN 10-9. Griffin wins it just because he was on top.
Goldberg says “Brazilians speak Portugees-a” like he’s Italian. Someone give him a gold star.
Goldberg tries to sell some knowledge on stand up and keeps talking about Griffin ‘changing levels’. The two continue to circle and strike. After a minute and a half, Aurelio shoots in but Tyson turns him around and pushes him against the cage.
The two continue to struggle against the cage for dominance. The two trade knees to the belly. Tyson lifts Aurelio up off the ground and drops him on his back up against the fence. Aurelio uses Griffin’s leg and reverses him and now has Tyson’s back. But it was a really weird reverse half guard thingy and Tyson ends up back on top.
Aurelio catches Tyson in a sloppy triangle but Tyson escapes. Tyson is back on top and dropping elbows. Now Aurelio closes guard and holds Tyson close to avoid more damage as the round ends
MY SCORECARD: 10-9 GRIFFIN.
Aurelio is looking TIRED as his corner jib jabs at him in that Portugees-a. Tyson is looking like it’s round 1. Goldberg is taling like BJ Penn is sticking around at lightweight to possibly take on one of these guys eventually. I doubt that’s gonna happen. Tyson is getting in stride now, throwing lots of leg kicks and punches. Aurelio just can’t seem to get anything going … I don’t think “Wild Man” Aurelio showed up tonight.
Griffin looks happy to take this to another decision. Fucking decision master. Who gives a fuck about someone who just fights for a judge’s decision. Push the pace, Griffin, you shitface.
2 minutes left in the fight. More kicks and jabs from Tyson Griffin. The crowd is getting restless, and then Griffin shoots and takes Aurelio down. Let’s see if he can do something. Aurelio goes for … something. It looked like it might have been an armbar if Griffin’s arm had no joint whatsoever. He keeps posturing up but … yeah, no. Horn sounds
MY SCORECARD: 10-9 GRIFFIN
All three judges score it 30-27 Griffin
WINNER: TYSON GRIFFIN – DECISION
10:30PM They cut to Michael Bisping sitting next to an unfortunately clothed Cheick Kongo – he’s wearing some kind of horrific orange shirt. Goddamn, orange is a terrible color, it doesn’t look good on anything.
JOSH KOSCHECK VS CHRIS LYTLE
Eugh, Pete Wentz is here. Is MMA being invaded by hipsters? Lyte comes out with a few big hooks and a missed head kick. Lytle is the aggressor, he’s moving forward and throwing strikes and Koscheck is just kinda defending. No one’s landed anything yet tho. Koscheck throws up a head kick which lands but no pepper behind it, it was kinda lazy like he was planning on pulling it back.
4 minutes left. Koscheck throws a big head kick and lands on his ass. He’s back up and they continue to circle. 3 minutes left.
Lytle shoots in and Koscheck takes him down but gets caught in a guillotine. Koscheck gets out and is now on tip in half guard up against the cage. Koscheck drops a couple shoulder shrugs and now is trying to pull his leg out into side control. 1:30 left. More shoulder shrugs from Koscheck and now he gives up on passing and hangs out in full guard and drops some strikes. Lytle is defending well. Koscheck trys to jump from full guard to mount but didn’t quite make it. Lyte rolls and now they continue to work for position as the horn sounds.
MY SCORECARD: KOSCHECK 10-9 – Lytle had some good agression on the feet but it didn’t really accomplish anything. Koscheck outpointed him like a motherfucker on the ground.
Lytle steps in with some lazy strikes that miss. Koscheck shoots in and works Lytle against the cage. Lytle avoids the takedown but eats some knees. Koscheck shoots again and now Lytle has another guillotine … no danger though, and Koscheck pops out. Again, Koscheck on top and now he’s getting some decent strikes in. Lytle is bleeding.
Koscheck is keeping Lytle up against the cage and dropping small elbows and strikes. Man … Lytle is bleeding pretty bad and Kos is working the wound with his elbows. Koscheck postures back up and lays out punches … the camera has blood splattered on it. It’s not horrorshow yet, but it might get that way if this continues. 1:30 left.
More elbows and strikes from on top. Koscheck spins into side control but Lytle regains half guard. Wow, there’s a big puddle of bloood under Lytle. Oh shit .. it’s pouring out of his skull. And the puddle is spreading. Now it’s horrorshow. Fucking HORRORSHOW. The round is over.
My Scorecard: 10-8 Koscheck : Lytle didn’t do ANYTHING (other than bleed)
Lytle’s corner keeps saying “you’re fine, you’re fine, you’re fine”, like “The Secret” works and positive thinking will change the fact that he’s got a massive gash right above his eye. They’re letting it go!
Lytle marches forward and throws a few strikes and kicks but he’s stumbling around. Goldberg says “He’s a nice guy, but when he stumbles like that….” Yeah. Koscheck turns Lytle into the fence and is prepping for a takedown. Lytle tried to pull a kimura but lost it. Now he’s going for a choke but it’s so loose, it ain’t doing shit. Koscheck is once again on top of Lytle, about 2 feet to the left of the huge blood puddle from the last round.
Koscheck is whacking Lytle in the gash, and he’s bleeding like a stuck pig. It’s not spraying all over Babalu-Heath style, but it’s still puddling out around Lytle’s head. The ref splits the fighters for inaction and stands it back up. Everyone was worried the fight was being stopped, but nope. Lytle looks like a fucking zombie. Another camera has blood on it.
Lytle pushed Koscheck up against the cage. Koscheck turns him around and presses him. With 30 seconds left, Yves splits them up again. Lytle ain’t got shit. Koscheck seems sick of being bled on. Oooh, Koscheck gets rocked by Lytle and backs away for the final few seconds of the round. THe horn sounds, fight is over
MY SCORECARD: 10-9 Koscheck
Judge’s scorecards: 30-26, 29-27, 30-28 Josh Koscheck
WINNER: JOSH KOSCHECK, DECISION
What the fuck is up with 29-27? And 30-28??? That means someone scored one round a draw. Fuck, judges are on drugs.
11:08PM Goldberg says Joe Stevenson showed the heart of a champion during his fight vs BJ Penn. Too bad he didn’t show the skills. Tibau is looking like a Brazilian Josh Koscheck. He comes in to Iron Man. Wow, Rogan says Tibau is coming in 5’10 and 175 pounds. Fighting at lightweight! Joe might have his work cut out for him.
JOE STEVENSON VS GLEISON TIBAU
Joe Daddy’s from ‘Victorville’ … if he loses again does he have to move to Loserville? Shit, Tibau is SOM MUCH BIGGER. These guys are looking amped, jumping back and forth. Tibau throws a kick which is blocked, Joe Daddy counters with a punch that knocks Tibau down. Tibau jumps back up but gets caught in a choke. He pops out and they scramble. Tibau had Joe in an odd position but Joe escapes and they’re back up against the cage. Now THIS is a real fight.
The two clinch up against the cage. 3 minutes left. Tibau grabs Joe’s legs and pulls him to the ground. Joe gets back up and they’re against the cage again. They seperate and then Joe shoots back in and pops Tibau in the face before pulling him up and dumping him on his ass. Joe daddy on top and now he’s stuck in a real tight shoulder lock. Tibau is trying to angle but Joe is defending. 1:30 left.
Joe seems okay with just waiting till the end of the bell. Tibau throws strikes up at Joe’s face. It’s not damage, but it’s points. Joe’s waiting, trying to look as bored as possible and Tibeau twists the arm back again as the round ends
MY SCORECARD: 10-9 TIBAU
Joe’s corner says “Who knows how they’re going to call that shit on the ground.” They cut to BJ Penn with some HOT CHICK. So hot.
Joe is striking now, he walks in with strikes and then ties up against the fence. Tibau goes for Joe’s leg but just rubs his ass for a while. He’s now pushing Joe against the fence. Tibau drags Stevenson down but Joe gets right back up. Tibau ducks under a punch and dumps Joe on his ass. Tibau fakes a pass and then goes the other way, he’s now in side control. 3 minutes left.
Oh fuck… MOUNT. Tibau oversteps and Joe escapes. THey jockey for position and then seperate. Back on the feet. Stevenson keeps driving forward with solid punches that are landing but not fazing Tibau. 2 minutes left and Tibau shoots and takes Joe down, but Joe catches a tight guillotine and makes Tibau tap!
WINNER: JOE STEVENSON – R2 – GUILLOTINE CHOKE
11:30PM Almeida comes out to Credence … +10 points! They just said his son has autism. Fuck that sucks. Why are all these great athletes stuck with gomer kids? Makes me terrified of the spawn my shitty sperm will produce. Eugh, Cote comes in to french rap.
RICARDO ALMEIDA VS PATRICK COTE
Eugh … stop pimping Tapout season 2 goddamn it. Did Buffer just call Almeida “Big Dog” instead of “Mad Dog”? Cote is getting a pretty good pop, always interesting to see how well Canadians are supported abroad. They cut to Miguel Torres, who rotates between “Hang Ten” and “Fist pose” several times. And the fight starts!
Almeida shoots, Cote stops him but then Almeida JUMPS up into a guillotine choke. Cote goes down and Ricardo starts working rubber guard and 50 other things at the same time. Cote wants nothing of that and pulls out and circles. Almeida keeps dropping his hands … man, he’s gonna get his ass knocked out.
Almeida pushes Cote against the fence and is working for a leg. Almeida keeps working for that leg but can’t get it. Cote spins out and tries to escape but gets pushed back up against the fence. Almeida still working for that leg and finally drags Cote down. Almeida’s on top with 2 mins left.
Cote is trying to push Almeida off with his feet but Almeida is staying there and just got to half guard. Almeida is dropping some elbows but no damage done. And now Almeida is working Cote’s body. More strikes from Almeida as Cote tries to upkick. Cote spins but can’t get away. 45 seconds left. Almeida is throwing and landing some decent strikes. Still no damage but this certainly isn’t helping Cote. Some good body shots from Almeida. More punches downwards as the round ends.
MY SCORECARD: 10-9 ALMEIDA. Very close to 10-8, Cote didn’t do anything. Only reason it wasn’t 10-8 was because Almeida wasn’t really able to hurt Cote.
Almeida’s glove is ripped, so they add duct tape onto it. It’s still not fixed, some stitches are still visible so they’re still fucking with it. They end up cutting off the bit that’s sticking out and it’s time to go. Aw yeah, Laura Prepon is being shown, and she is hottttt. The round starts!
Cote swings and Almeida ducks under the punch. Almeida keeps dropping his hands completely, as if he’s trying to bait Cote. The two go down and now Cote is on top getting ravaged with some crazy rubber guard action. Once again Cote remembers “Oh, i suck on the ground” and stands back up. For some reason Cote isn’t really throwing leather. I think he’s too afraid of overcommitting and getting caught. 3 minutes left.
Cote pushes Almeida up against the fence, but Almeida spins him. Now Cote spins, seperates and throws a good hook which doesn’t quite connect. Ooh, Cote looks like he bounced a glancer on Almeida’s jaw. Cote ties them up and they both shrug at the same time, sending Almeida onto the ground. Of course, Cote ain’t going down there so they get back up. Cote gets backed up against the fence again with 40 seconds left.
Almeida turns a Cote takedown attempt into a guillotine attempt but slips off. Cote gets back up and Almeida follows slowly. He looks tired as the round ends … Cote catches Almeida with 5 seconds left – a nice solid punch to the jaw which lands Almeida on his ass. The horn sounds.
MY SCORECARD: COTE 10-9 (’cause of the end)
Almeida looks absolutely exhausted in his corner
Cote is getting aggressive, cornering Almeida and throwing jabs. Almeida ties Cote up and pushes him against the fence. Cote spins and disengages. Cote just won’t throw … it’s insane. You gotta throw a strike to knock someone out, ya know? Cote keeps faking for some reason. Half the round is over and Cote keeps stepping forward and not punching. Cote’s offence now consists of lazy jabs and a few leg kicks.
Almeida is moving forward now but not able to do anything. Now Cote is starting to step in and throw a few, and they’re landing. Why he stopped, I have no idea. They continue to circle with 30 seconds, and now Almeida takes Cote down. Cote is pushing Almeida off with his feet but Almeida jumps back on and nearly gets a peruvian necktie. He misses and Cote gets on top as the horn sounds. Both fighters put their hands up like they won. The crowd boos them to remind them that neither really did.
MY SCORECARD: 10-10
Neither guy deserved a title shot before this fight, and they certainly don’t after this performance. Suckage.
Here’s the cards: 29-28 Cote, 29-28 Almeida, 29-28 Cote
WINNER: PATRICK COTE – SPLIT DECISION
Well, look at it this way … Cote will get absolutely SMASHED by Anderson Silva, but Almeida will get some time to sharpen his skills before facing A-Bomb.
11:58PM Patrick Cote says something about some girl dying and tells her to keep living because ‘life is beautiful’.
Now they’re showing some kind of stupid preview for ‘Bangkok Dangerous’, which looks really stupid. Stupid knife fight. They’re so stupid. Bet you feel stupid spending 40 bucks and still having to watch commercials.
12:02PM Goddamn, stop trying to tie drama for the Griffin / Jackson fight to TUF. It just takes away from the fight.
QUINTON JACKSON VS FORREST GRIFFIN
Ooh, Forrest almost didn’t touch gloves. I like how the ref was like “IF you want to, do it now”. They get at it immediately. Griffin throws some leg kicks. Rampage counters with a slick looking uppercut that barely misses. Forrest bounces more punches off Quinton’s arms and another kick. He’s using his reach advantage well. Quinton steps in and lands a solid punch right to Forrest’s face. They split up and continue to circle. 3 mins left.
Jackson has good body movement but Forrest is outhustling Jackson. Quinto just stepped in and whacked Forrest in the temple, it had Forrest wobbling. Forrest answers right back and chases Quinton across the cage. Quinton slips and Forrest jumps in and they tie up against the cage quickly before seperating. Forrest throws another leg kick which seems to be hurting Jackson.
Quinton lands another big punch to Forrest’s jaw which buckles Griffin. Griffin ties up with Jackson with 40 seconds left, he’s doing a good job of holding tight and not getting hit. Griffin is pushing to get up and gets back up! They sperate and start exchanging. Damn does Quinton look dangerous when he’s swinging but Griffin is hanging in there. End of round 1.
MY SCORECARD: 10-9 RAMPAGE cause of the knockdown
Another good leg kick from Forrest which hurts Quinton. Quinton jumps in and ends up in a headlock taking knees and now he’s getting choked. Griffin drags Quinton down and is on top now in half control. Quinton is quickly losing control of this fight. Griffin nearly takes mount. 4 minutes left. Griffin is dropping elbows on Quinton and throwing short knees to the side. Forrest takes side control. Bad news for QUinton with 3 mins left.
Forrest grabs for a kimura but loses it. He’s now throwing punches and elbows from side control and locks up the americana again. Now he’s got mount with 2 minutes to go. He’s dropping elbows down but they’re not damaging Jackson too much. Forrest throws more strikes and grinds his forearm against Jackson’s face. Now more elbows. 1 minute left.
Jackson arches but no dice. Forrest is ending with a bunch of short strikes and the horn sounds … but you can barely hear it because the crowd is going nuts.
MY SCORECARD: 10-9 GRIFFIN
They’re showing that kick again from round 2 … the two kicks that hit right on the bullseye of Jackson’s knee. I think he’s blown his knee out. Forrest faked a huge kick that had Jackson jumping back. Rampage is limping forward. Ooh, Jackson lands a good hard punch. He’s still dangerous.
The pace slows down a bit with 3.5 mis left. Rampage steps in with an uppercut combo which looked hard and rocked Forrest. Forrest responded with another kick and then stepped in to get a knuckle sandwich to the face. Jackson jumps in again and tags Forrest twice. 2 minutes left.
Forrest is staying on the outside and throwing high kicks which are doing okay, but not as well as the leg kicks from earlier. Forrest steps in and lands with a great body shot, but Forrest seems unfazed. 1 minute left. Forrest pushes forward and now they swing for the fences until Forrest backs off. The horn sounds.
MY SCORECARD: Really really close. I dunno.
Forrest starts with a leg kick but Rampage seems the have recovered. Jackson hops in and his throwing bombs, catching Forrest but Forrest is hanging in there. They rumble until Jackson grabs Forrest and drops him onto the grond. Now Rampage is in full guard. Holy shit, Forrest has Quinton in a triangle! Rampage lifts Forrest up and Forrest lets go of the triangle to avoid a brutal slam. They’re back on the ground and Forrest is keeping Quinton in a tight closed guard. Forrest has a cut right under his eyebrow. 2.5 mins left.
Forrest goes for an omoplata but gives up. Quinton then lets Forrest back up and almost catches Forrest with an uppercut as they separate. Rogan states the case for Forrest leading this fight. I can’t say I disagree with him. Forrest is breathing heavy. They clinch up and Rampage tries to unload with that uppercut but it’s just not landing right. 30 seconds left.
The round ends with Quinton landing a decent strike.
MY SCORECARD: Again, I dunno. Sorry. The triangle was really good but judges don’t know shit, so if you wanna know what I think the judges did, then i’d say they gave it to Rampage
Forrest is throwing kicks again, low, mid, and high. Nothing landing well though. Oh, here’s a decent leg kick right there. Jackson steps in and unloads a good shot to Griffin’s melon. Forrest hits the leg again with a kick. Another good leg kick from Griffin. Jackson is throwing and landing but Griffin ain’t stopping. 3 minutes left.
Griffin has Rampage up against the fence and throwing kicks. Rampage rotates away andthey circle and strike again. Forrest catches Rampage on the chin, but it didn’t seem to affect him. Another leg kick from Forrest. And another. They tie up and Forrest lands a few knees while Jackson attacks the head. 1 minute left.
Jackson jumps to strike and stumbles on his leg. Forrest kicks him in the leg again for good measure. Rampage throws a few body shots. They tie up and the fight ends with Griffin letting short knees go.
MY SCORECARD: 10-9 GRIFFIN
The cameras show Randy Couture giving Forrest a hug and they cut away like there was full spread vagina in the shot. Who the fuck is gonna win this fight???
Forrest looks like he’s praying for this win. Here comes the decision:
WINNER: FORREST GRIFFIN – DECISION
“Every fucking punch he threw hurt” says Forrest.
And that’s it for the play by play, boys and girls. Catch you on the radio show!