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UFC 129 Main Card Predictions

Oh, hi! How are you? Enjoying things now that we’re back from our half assed Easter schedule? I apologize to anyone who was stuck at work on Friday or Monday … I had assumed no one worked those days. Turns out I was probably a little overly observant. But what can I say, I love Jesus and the delicious chocolate eggs he lays.

This week I’m trying a new thing: doing some decent lead up coverage to an event, namely UFC 129. Today we’re doing predictions, which I’ve done in the past but not really the way I like. Personally I think prediction posts are blog wankery in the first degree. I hate them more than I hate rankings, and will leave them to staff and other blogs to take care of. Instead of spinning some fantasy imagination of my desired outcomes, I’ll lay things out in a slightly more comprehensive manner.

Georges St Pierre vs Jake Shields

What’ll probably happen: Georges St Pierre will flick Jake Shields’ takedowns away like a Subway employee flicks cockroaches out of the olive tray. He’ll then pummel Jake so badly on the feet that “Getting Shields’d” will replace “Getting Fitch’d” as the definition for being fuckstomped by GSP.

What could happen instead: Jake might catch a chokehold if Georges decides to wrassle it up a little. I once saw Jake choke a dude out with one arm like it wasn’t no big thang. He’s got more gaping holes than a European pornstar, but that’s one area he’s got locked down.
Likelihood of an upset:

Jose Aldo vs Mark Hominick

What’ll probably happen: Jose Aldo will murderize Mark Hominick with flying knees and hyperspeed punching flurries.

What could happen instead: Jose Aldo could suffer from ass shattering gastroenteritis that causes the fight to be canceled last second. Okay, I guess it’s also possible that Aldo plays with Hominick in the first round like he did against Manny Gamburyan and gets caught.
Likelihood of an upset:

Vladimir Matyushenko vs Jason Brilz

What’ll probably happen: Jason Brilz will use his wrestling to hump his way to a boring decision over Vladdy.

What could happen instead: Vladamir Matyushenko uses his wrestling to fend off Brilz’s takedowns and uses that improved striking he sometimes utilizes to box Brilz up for three rounds.
Likelihood of an upset:

Randy Couture vs Lyoto Machida

What’ll probably happen: Machida will implement his classic hit and run strategy to eek two uneventful rounds out of three on the judges’ scorecards.

What could happen instead: Randy might be able to pin Machida up against the cage or on the ground and score enough hits to take the decision. Don’t underestimate the possibility of a gift decision getting nudged his way.
Likelihood of an upset:

Mark Bocek vs Ben Henderson

What’ll probably happen: Ben Henderson will punch Bocek in the face really hard every time he even thinks of going for a submission. This will go on until the referee takes pity and stops the fight.

What could happen instead: Hendo puts himself in one of those bad positions he’s famous for escaping and finds out he underestimated Bocek’s talents. If it can happen to Dustin Hazelett, it can happen to anyone.
Likelihood of an upset:

  • CAP says:

    I like it. The pigs flying is a nice touch!

    Please don’t harsh my mellow and stink up the joint. I’m looking at you Brilz/Vlady.

  • Jim Harbaugh Scramble says:

    I liked the Brilz/Egg Nog fight except for the decision. I don’t think this fight with Janitor will be a stinker.

    Aldo(KO rd 2)
    Brilz (decision)
    Pisschida(TKO rd 2)
    Bendo (TKO rd 1)

  • glassjawsh says:

    ^ this
    except machida wins by decision

  • Reverend Clint says:

    or vladdy will use his wrestling to hump brilz

  • shillyer says:

    only once with the jake one arm guillotine? that is kinda his thing in the sub wrassling world. jake has holes but they are mostly off his back. if he gets on top… probably nothing will happen just some pitter patter punches. I hope i am wrong

  • Blackula Jonez says:

    what jim said

  • SST says:

    GSP UD
    Couture UD
    Bocek UD
    Aldo R3 KO/TKO
    Diaz R2 Sub
    Brilz UD

  • Komodo says:

    Fuckstomp(ed) has been added to my list of favorite words. Dig the pigs too.

  • Letibleu says:


    My animated prediction of Shields vs GSP

    (also my visual interpretation of what a fuckstomp is)


  • ghostboner says:

    K fuck all yall I’m picking Hominick. He will probably get Faber’d good, but I give him as good a chance as anyone who has faced Aldo so far. And I don’t get the pig system, does more pigs indicate a greater chance of upset or lesser?

  • ghostboner says:

    Also, I like the part in the stick figure thing where he smears his own poop on his face. Why not?

  • Letibleu says:

    ^^ reminds you of your childhood?^^

  • frickshun says:

    Ryan–>good write-up. I get the impression that the tiny blip where you abandoned the site (most of the world refers to it as “ALL OF 2011”) helped you recharge your batteries for comedy. This is your best work in a while. I too dig the flying pig system & agree w/your assessment that most Jackals look like fat little pigs. That IS what you meant, correct?

    PS: Picks are fucking dumb. Can everyone please shut their fucking mouths already? Ghostbone–>why “pick” Homodick only to say in the next thought that he will probably lose. The idea of these dumb fucking picks is that you truly believe in them. Hence, none of you are laying the rent money on your “picks” (except for Volds apparently…..except….he’s lying).

    PSps: Cards like these w/heavy faves ALWAYS produce an upset or 2. That is the only “pick” I will make.

    PSpsPeeEss: Leti–>great fucking gif. That should be the only way predictions should be offered.

  • G Funk says:

    So whats the scale with the flying pigs upset? Are you going to throw in 20 pigs one day?

  • fightlinker says:

    I was kinda wondering if more or less flying pigs should mean more or less chance of an upset. Logically, one flying pig is more likely than a fleet of flying pigs. But then I figured it would require giving Hominick 20 flying pigs which seemed silly so i did it the other way. Whatchoo guys think?


  • glassjawsh says:

    leti, can i get a link to that gif so i can post it elsewhere?

    edit: im from indiana, so im down with pigs

  • frickshun says:

    Ryan–>if you have to explain the joke, it is no longer technically a joke.

    Next time a Jackal asks a dumb question, treat them like you do the site…..IGNORE IT.

  • DJ ThunderElbows says:

    I vote for [more pigs= less chance]

    Great write-up – gotta agree with Frick about the Hawt-hawt-hawkness lately.  Glad to have you back.

    Leti – If the phallus was just a line, this would win an Oscar for ‘best animated.’

  • Jarman says:

    that gif is so well named