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TUF Titties: TUF 11 is getting closer!

tuftitties
Note: old picture used for reference purposes, and for the fact that TUF 11 will be SAME SHIT DIFFERENT DAY anyway.

Ah yes. Another millisecond passes, another season of TUF prepares to commence.

Season 11 of The Ultimate Fighter will be a make-or-break one for the UFC. Well, not strictly for the UFC itself as that particular behemoth is going to keep on trucking regardless thanks to their cast-iron contract with Satan, but the future of the reality series is already on spindly and rotten-looking legs with flakes of scabby skin coming off and maybe even bits of bone sticking out?

Let’s face it, the formula got stale right around the end of Season 1, and has been crying out for a complete redraft at the conclusion of each season since then. Sure it was interesting when we found out that Locke used to be disabled before the plane crash and that Michael Schofield was actually a brain-sucking alien from the planet Zogbar, but… um… wait, I may have gotten distracted somewhere there.

Dana White listened to the fans crying out for change, nodded his head, held up his finger, went into the back room as if he was going to alter something fundamental in the show but instead spent the time counting his money and having sex with Asian midgets covered in money while we all stood outside waiting for him to come back like a bunch of idiots. I mean, he is practically rubbing it in… the same theme tune for 11 SEASONS?! It’s ridiculous!

And now to make the show even more fresh and original and super-exciting, he’s got Chuck Liddell and Cheeto Ortiz as coaches… WHO HAVE BEEN ON THE SHOW ALREADY!

Viewing figures went up last season because of Kimbo, and that was it. The rest of the cast was about as interesting as a mouldy old box of pamphlets about hip replacements, and the fights were about as fun as the last half an hour of a 12-hour plane journey when they turn off the in-flight entertainment and the guy next to you’s armpits smell like the inside of a gay weasel’s anus. As a result they had to keep the ridiculous drama up that Kimbo was going to possibly maybe get another chance to be smothered in fat and lose after being smothered in fat and losing the first time.

What will save TUF this season?

I put on a crash helmet and started a headbutting contest with a llama in an attempt to get my brain cells rubbing together so that I could come up with some new ideas for TUF. (I suspect Dana White and the Fertootles may have done something similar.)

So here are the only ways that TUF can possibly get interesting this season.

  • Dana White fights.
  • A tender, heart-warming and sexually explicit love story develops between Chuck and Tito.
  • All contestants have an ankle bracelet that causes them to shit themselves any time they say the word “warrior.”
  • Tito must talk with a strong Chinese accent at all times.
  • It is mandatory to order and consume at least one bottle of alcoholic spirits a day, preferably before lunch.
  • Athletes are only allowed to communicate with doctors using sign language.
  • Losers will have the word “DILDO” tattooed to their foreheads OR their fingers chewed off by a rabid anteater.
  • Instead of vans, boisterous camels will transport the fighters to and from the Ultimate Training Centre.
  • Instead of MMA training, the athletes will spend their days being coached in “hip hop fashion and attitude” by a skinny white man in a loose fitting tracksuit and gold shoes. The final show will be a dance-off under the watchful eyes of Ja Rule.
  • Each episode will start and end with a full-length video of Chuck Liddell dancing enthusiastically to “La Vida Loca” in an oily leotard.
  • All assistant coaches will be Don Frye.
  • Someone (preferably Tito) will suffer a nasty rectal prolapse when lifting weights.
  • Dana White will be equipped with a shoulder-mounted gatling gun that he can use to shoot people who he suspects might not want to be a fucking fighter.
  • The contestants will actually be fighting for a chance to face Dan “The Beast” Severn in the live finale.

Can you think of any more?

I also went back to previous seasons and did some science stuff. These were the resultses:

20100305163349
Indeed
Mmm hmm.
Mmm hmm.
Graphs.
Graphs.

As you can see, TUF can’t really get any worse, so it will be interesting to see how it will get better.

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