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TUF Titties: An Ultimate Fighter Blog

I forgot to record TUF (The X-Factor, a show in Britain with Simon Cowell, pretty much blew my tiny little mind last night and I was so pumped I couldn’t record TUF, or even stand up straight and ended up sleeping upside down in the carcass of a horse?!) but it might be a blessing in disguise because now I get to make shit up.

I must admit, though, I was very impressed with the new intro sequence for this season. They have really pulled out all the stops production-wise and come up with something fresh and engaging. Truly inspirational stuff. Here it is in case you missed it.

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The screen is dark.

A lone powerchord chunks from the speakers and the sound of an eagle’s talon scraping someone’s beard off can be heard.

There is a ripping, tearing sound and the screen shatters into a million and a half pieces revealing Dana White’s grinning visage. He smiles and his teeth sparkle. Then his mouth moves and Bruce Buffer’s voice is overdubbed saying “It’s tiiiiiiiiime.”

Dana White winks and spin-fades off the screen to be replaced by an empty octagon. Wind whistles and bones rattle.

Slowly, surely, The Final Countdown by Europe begins to play.

Kimbo Slice backflips into the octagon and moonwalks over to a lone microphone lit by spotlight. He dances silently, his body jerking in time to the music.

Suddenly the music stops, Kimbo freezes, and the camera zooms in on Kimbo’s face so fast your heart stops beating, then deflates. Close up of his eyes. They wink (both of them.) Close up of his lips. They snarl (the top one.) Close up of his whole face. He smiles and says “Hey Dana. Is it time to get my bread yet? Uh!” Cut to Dana who is standing with one leg up on a chair and he winks and makes a smoking gun with his fingers at a statue of Apollo Creed. Kimbo screams and punches the screen which explodes in a shower of multicoloured sparks and bits of blood and brains (with eyeballs flopping around) and a MONTAGE BEGINS!!

Cue loads of shots of massive guys with droopy boobs lifting really heavy stuff (monster truck tyres, goats, tables etc.) Quick cut to the Ultimate Fighter House as the sun rises behind it in fast motion. Cut to the pool table. Roy Nelson takes a shot then the camera spin zooms in on a freeze-frame of him snapping the pool cue over his knee and attacking some other guy with it, a-la-Guy Ritchie/Snatch.

Repeated zooming in and out on a pizza.

Flyover shot of Las Vegas and faded images of huge guys in the ring punching heavy bags and headbutting narwhals.
The Final Countdown is getting you so pumped your mandibles stop working by this point.

There is a shot of Wes Sims playing American Football. As he catches a pass he looks down and sees that it’s not a ball, it’s Dana White’s decapitated head! He screams and starts breakdancing, as does the head. Fireworks go off in your skull as the montage continues.

There’s endless shots of really huge dumbells and weight machines and people’s gurning faces as they grind through really painful sets. Close up of a hoof stamping on a tomato. Sweaty people grappling and high-fiving. A close up of an elbow breaking in half. Two close ups of Marcus Jones force-feeding hot dogs to Roy Nelson, then himself.

Slow motion shot of the Ultimate Fighter House on fire with the image of James McSweeney headbutting the heavy bag at 50% transparency overlaid on top.

Rashad Evans appears on the screen. Looks offscreen, then turns to face you and mouths the words “It’s Hammertime!” before punching a cardboard cutout of Quinton Jackson. Cut to Quinton Jackson running down a street. He stops and howls and as he does so all the buildings around him explode and start shuddering to the floor. Then Quinton Jackson explodes and an angelic version of him on fire zooms up into the air and fires thunderbolts at everything, including you, which is awesome.

Suddenly everyone who has ever been involved with anything to do with the Ultimate Fighter appears chorus dancing across the sky above the Grand Canyon in time to the climax of The Final Countdown. Green sparks fly from their kicking legs and then they all explode.

The words “The Ultimate Fighter Season 10” slam into the screen 15 times causing your kneecaps to twist around really painfully. “HEAVYWEIGHTS” slides in from the side as the last note of The Final Countdown lingers in the air.

You and I are both so pumped by this intro that our spleens have virtually doubled in size and we can’t even move from the sofa. We dribble onto our t-shirts and soil ourselves, then pass out. AWESOME.

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Maybe next week I’ll get past the intro sequence and fill you in on TUF as I see it.

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