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TUF S14E05: Stolen Hats n’ Phantom Taps

Drama was promised for this week’s TUF episode, and it delivered.  But two things that are pretty consistent on TUF are: a) Bisping will act like a dick, and b) when two dudes repeatedly get in each other’s faces and jaw about how they’re going to knock each other’s blocks off, the fight usually doesn’t live up to the hype.  And often it’s the guys who just aren’t very good who make the most noise and drama, which I diagnose as an attempt to overcome their own insecurities, because I dig pop-psychology.  Dustin Neace versus Hamid “Akira” Corassani was no different.

They had already gone back and forth with pranking and then barking each other, and thanks to a missing stupid-looking cowboy hat (confiscated by legit redneck Josh Ferguson for the crime of swagger-jackery) which Neace wrongly assumes was Akira’s work, it escalates to a shouting match at the gym.  Akira challenges him to a bareknuckle fight in the garden at 7PM sharp, which I guess is the TUF equivalent of the bike racks after school.  Akira doesn’t know it yet, but he won’t have to wait long.

Everyone lines up for the match announcements, but these two are still yapping to such an extent and in such a way (eg: “I’ll make you love me”) that made me pray for a ” target=”_blank”>double-knockout.  When they finally shut up, Neace is so keyed up that he’s practically bouncing on the spot.  As per Mayhem’s secret new plan, Neace calls out Akira to fight next, and they both whip off their jerseys so they can bump chests like proper douchebags.  Then Neace suddenly shoots a takedown, touching off the scrum shown so prominently in the promos.  At first, Bisping and Mayhem work together to pull the guys apart, but it doesn’t take long before they’re jawing at each other too.

On to the fight, in which there is a distinct lack of blocks being knocked off, but at least there’s some spinning backfist/kick fails to make you laugh.  Little happens on the feet in the first round, and the fight eventually goes to the mat where Neace locks up a heel hook.  Almost immediately, Akira does the old “I’m tapping but not really tapping” kind of tap.  I saw it, Team Miller saw it, Neace sure as fuck saw it, even The Baldfather is pretty sure he saw it, but apparently referee Herb Dean did not.  What the fuck.  Dude, IT’S RIGHT THERE!

Anyway, the fight continues despite the phantom tap.  Akira knocks Neace down in the second round, but can’t quite put him away, and grinds out the round on top.  I think it should go to a third round, and so does Miller.  But Akira is so sure he’s already won that he makes a point of pantomiming something in front of the whole Team Miller corner… a chainsaw, or a machine gun, or maybe a firehose?  Whatever it is, Neace doesn’t like it one bit, and it sets off another group face-off that includes the water squirting incident seen in the commercials.  Team Bisping steers Akira back to their corner, at which point NSAC chief bigwig Keith Kizer himself steps up and politely asks Akira if he’d like a suspension for his shenanigans.  To a fighter, I imagine this is akin to God appearing in front of you and asking if you’d like a smiting.  No sir, I’ll cut the shit now, sir.

As the extended break suggests, it turns out there will be no third round, and Akira wins by majority decision.  So yet another TUF fight ends with a bullshitty decision, but with horseshit sprinkled on top because it shouldn’t have gone that far in the first place.  The only consolation is that I really doubt either of these guys has the tools to make it past the next round anyway, so in the end it won’t matter much.

All gifs courtesy of Iron Forges Iron.

  • DJ ThunderElbows says:

    The only consolation is that I really doubt either of these guys has the tools to make it past the next round anyway, so in the end it won’t matter much.

    This is precisely why I don’t give a shit about about TUF.

  • Jarman says:

    nice job on the episode number. that was episode 6. guessing you watch these on the actual channel they broadcast on……

    I was never impressed with Akira….he looked like garbage in his first fight, especially for talking all that noise about being ‘an artist in the cage’. go figure he yaps a lot of garbage n plays retarded pranks all the time, he knows his chances for camera time are limited to the point of running into a competent fighter. Nease likewise made a bunch of noise, and I’m sure he couldn’t punch his way out of a wet paper bag. For bein a grappler, he sure couldnt grapple very well.

  • glassjawsh says:

    ^ except for the part where he tapped the guy

  • Jarman says:

    hey, I feel justified thinking that an effective heel hook should leave your opponent screaming in pain and unable to walk. Paul Harris may be be a twisted freak with no borders, but at least he gets this principle. Personally, I thought Akira tapped, but if a sub hold’s not enough to make someone tap repeatedly punctuated by crying, well, it’s not being applied by a very good grappler.

  • Reverend Clint says:

    anybody who wears a fag hat deserves to lose… Akira sucks

    oh and that crazy brazilian is fucking annoying.

  • Grappo says:

    I refuse to call him “Akira”.   He is Hamid from here on out, and Habib when I forget his name is Hamid.


  • Reverend Clint says:

    hey sst look in the forums… im all over that

  • KeyboardWarrior says:

    If Neace hates him so much he should’ve just snapped his ankle instead of holding it there, that would make good tv and he’d actually look badass. I hated Akira since the first episode and I was actually pretty fired up after that Sonnen tap. I bet Keith Kizer was thinking the same thing

  • Letibleu says:

    Which UFC event was this?

  • iamphoenix says:

    i’m pretty sure agent smif made all this up.

  • frickshun says: