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Tom Atencio squashes July 11th rumor

Remember when rumors started circulating that Affliction was looking to put their next (and likely final) show on the same night as UFC 100? Remember thinking that the promotion must be run by a group of special needs kids? Well, it was all for naught. Affliction VP Tom Atencio — everyone’s favorite middle-aged dude with over-sized Christmas decorations on his ears — has finally put those rumors to rest.

“That’s all rumors, and that’s just what people think. In my eyes, it’s not even a possibility. It doesn’t make sense.”

While this is a victory for proponents of common sense across the globe, Atencio’s recent statements differ slightly from what he said the last time he was asked about a possible July 11th date.

“I think [July 11th] could work. I really do. I haven’t finalized [the date]. [Scheduling an event for July 11] is a thought in the back of my head, but whether it’s going to happen or not is a different story.”

The obvious question is what happened between those two statements that caused ol’ Tom to change his tune. I would like to think that Todd Beard showed up to Atencio’s house in the middle of a whiskey & coke bender and talked some sense into him. After the jump: what that conversation might have looked like.

ATENCIO: Hey Todd!

BEARD: Let me in, cocksucker.

ATENCIO: Sure, old friend! What can I do you for?

BEARD: First off, go find me some bleach and a clean shirt. I got to clean these blood stains off before the fuzz finds me. Hurry up, faggot. I ain’t got all night.

ATENCIO: Wow, that sure is a lot of blood! What happened?

BEARD: I’ll tell you, but if I find out you told anybody I’ll turn your head into a fucking PEZ dispenser. Understand? [pause] Retard, that wasn’t a rhetorical question. I will slice you like a Thanksgiving turkey if you repeat what I fucking say. Do you fucking understand me?

ATENCIO: [blinks eyes rapidly while nodding in the affirmative]

BEARD: I been blacked out for the past six hours or so and I just woke up in a hotel room with a couple dead Japanese call girls, a nail gun, and a bunch of old Steven Seagal movies on VHS. I was out partying with my buddy Vince — the ShamWow guy — and when I woke up in the hotel room that fudgepacker was gone and I was stuck with the mess.

ATENCIO: Wow, Todd! Golly, trouble seems to follow you everywhere you go, wouldn’t you say?

BEARD: Yeah, it does, you simple-minded nitwit. Hey, what the fuck is this I hear about you saying Affliction might put on a fight the same night as that big UFC show?

ATENCIO: Oh, you heard about that? Yeah! I think it would be a great way to show that nasty Dana White that we mean business. I hate it when he calls us “those t-shirt guys.” It’s so hurtful!

BEARD: Fuck. Why in the hell would you put a show on the same night as them, especially their fucking 100th show? Are you just pretending to be this stupid? You realize that our entire audience is just a small portion of their audience? Putting a show on that night would be guaranteeing that no one buys it. And I got legal fees to pay, motherfucker.

ATENCIO: Hmmm … well if you put it like that, it doesn’t sound like the best idea. Oh look! Dancing with the Stars is on!

BEARD: Fuckin’ a. Get me something to drink. And make it quick.