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Tim Sylvia to undergo surgery

Tim Sylvia is scheduled to go under the knife this week to fix a nagging problem that has been affecting his performance over the past two years. “We became aware of the problem shortly before Tim’s second fight with Andrei [Arlovski]” said Sylvia’s manager Monte Cox. “Tim was complaining of headaches and pain specifically around his forehead. We figured it was sinus related and no big deal. We were wrong.”

Over the next coming months, Tim’s symptoms would only worsen. Specialists were brought in several times to look at the then UFC champ, but no one had any answers until recently. “If you want to ask me if I think this health issue affected Tim’s ability to fight and win over the past several months?” mused Cox. “I certainly think so. This was a bigger problem than his back problem, which as you know was very severe indeed.”

An answer finally presented itself after Sylvia’s loss against Fedor Emelianenko in July. While being given an MRI to test for concussions, a lab technician found what seemed like a small abscess slightly above his eyes. Further investigation revealed a serious abnormality directly beneath the surface of Sylvia’s skin.

“We scheduled Mr. Sylvia for surgery immediately, expecting this to be a growth or tumor.” said Dr. Gavin McPong, director of health at Iowa Memorial Hospital. “Imagine our surprise when we cut away the surface layer of skin and discovered a fully functional vagina beneath.”

Further studies showed that the vagina had been there for nearly two years, but was initially so small it was undetectable. Currently the vagina is two inches long and of unknown depth. “Mr. Sylvia is understandably upset and will not agree to let us stick anything in there to see how deep it goes,” said Dr. McPong. “But there’s some fears that his vagina is directly connected to his brain, and surgery could get complicated if this is the case.”

Dr. McPong showed off a diagram detailing the regions of the brain directly behind Tim Sylvia’s head vagina. “This poon sits directly above the clusters responsible for aggression and courage. If it’s pressing against these, it could be affecting his ability to show any mettle or heart at all. If we remove the vagina without penetrating it and understanding exactly what’s happening, we could destroy these conductors for good.”

“No one is sticking anything down Tim’s vagina hole. We just want to get this all over with,” said Monte Cox. “Tim has done well enough without aggression and heart, so we’d all rather the surgery happen sooner rather than later, before people start referring to him as a pussy fighter or something.”