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This Week In Shit That Fuckin’ Happened (March 8th – March 14th)

(The UFC mourns the loss of top MMA groupie Mandy Moore this week. It will be a long 5 months before she is divorced and passed around again.)

Is it me or has this week just flown by? I feel like it was last Friday just a minute ago. Times flies when you’re having fun. Or at least waiting for the Twin Messiahs Chuck Norris and Glen “Pookie” Beck to save us in a bloody coup. But in the meantime, let’s review This Week In Shit That Fuckin’ Happened.

#1: THE HEAT IS OFF OF STEVE MAZZAGATTI FOR A MINUTE

Whenever people online throw a hissyfit about referees letting fights go on to long, it always involves either Steve Mazzagatti or Mario Yamasaki. So apparently Yves Lavigne was jealous of all the attention and wanted to experience getting bitched out by 14 year old fat kids in comment sections and forums around the world. Lavigne was the referee of the Matt Brown vs. Pete Sell fight, where he seemed to stop it on a quick TKO, then changed his mind and let Brown beat on Sell some more before finally ending it for real this time at all in about 90 seconds.

Brown said he was outraged when it happened, yelling “OH COME ON!” at Lavigne, although he says after thinking about it a few days he doesn’t blame Lavigne because “He just made a huge mistake in that one fight. I’m sure he’ll take a lot of crap for it. But overall, he’s a good referee. But that’s why refereeing is such a tough job.” Read: “He’s probably going to referee another one of my fights, so to prevent him giving me a revenge early stoppage, I’d better say it wasn’t his fault.”

But don’t look for Lavigne to get fired, combat sport referees are like Supreme Court justices: they’re there forever. It must be awesome to have a job where nobody can question you fucking up. There’s refs in boxing who have had numerous fighters get beaten to death on their watch who kept their jobs. There’s refs who make so many bullshit calls you know they’re on the take from somebody. But yet athletic commissions refuse to fire them, or even investigate them most of the time. And MMA refereeing won’t be any different no matter what happens.

Rest of the Top 5 after the jump.

#2: MACHIDA TO GET HIS TITLE SHOT

Okay, Machida nuthuggers, rejoice: Your hero finally got his fucking title shot. Happy? Rampage decided not to take the #1 contender spot he earned by defeating Keith Jardine, so Dana White had no choice but to give Lyoto Machida first go at Rashad Evans. Upon hearing the news, 90% of MMA fans felt that feeling you get in the pit of your stomach that you get upon hearing really bad news like somebody died, or this chick you had sex with missed her period and could be pregnant.

Machida is already a favorite to win the Light Heavyweight title at UFC 98, with early betting odds having him a -200 favorite. Now, that’s a big deal because Rashad is still an unbeaten champion, and in any other fight he’d get the favoritism, but not against the backpedaling wonder. Most analysts believing his “don’t call it running away” style while counterstriking will beat Rashad by decision. But never count out master strategist Greg Jackson. As I write this, the man has been awake the past 48 hours and counting watching Machida fights in slow-mo, writing down holes he thinks he sees in Machida’s game. If Greg Jackson can’t find an answer to Machida’s pussified style, then I don’t know if anyone will. And that thought almost makes me want to cry. Or at the very least boycott future UFC cards Machida headlines and join the Stream Team to see the actually entertaining fights. DANA WHY DID YOU BUY THE WFA FOR THIS COCKSUCKER?!?!?!

#3: KEN SHAMROCK IS ON STEROIDS?!

You know, a few years back I worked at this office where one of my co-workers was the CB Dollaway of the office. Much like CB he pretended like he had sex with women even though nobody was buying it because the dude was one of those guys it’s obvious is struggling like crazy to keep their flaming under control, and lisped. Nobody had a problem with him, we didn’t give a shit. I mean sure, we made dicksucker jokes and made a point never to bend over to pick something up in front of him, but we never gave him any reason to be afraid of admitting his was gay. Then finally to the shock of absolutely nobody he admitted he was gay. I was even less surprised that Ken Shamrock is on steroids than I was when Mike announced he likes penis.

Of course Ken denies it. But he got popped for having Three different steroids in his pee. Now, there’s been some entertaining excuses on how steroids mysteriously got in your tinkle over the years: tainted supplements, eating a goat that was on steroids, you let somebody inject you with something you didn’t know what was in the needle, ect. But you know Ken Shamrock, the king of conspiracies, is going to come up with the most epic, hilarious reason why he wasn’t taking steroids in history. If he doesn’t I will be disappointed. And if he admits he took them, then I would drop dead of a heart attack from shock.

Unfortunately this means we will be deprived of the year’s 2nd best trainwreck fight (behind Shamrock fighting that Fat Fuck in February) because now Bobby Lashley (affectionately referred to as “Mr. Hanky” by Jackals around here.) can’t use him as a punching bag. There’s no way the commission would be able to clear Shamrock, even if they found out it was a total lab mistake, in time for “March Badness.” Damn, now we MMA writers are actually going to have to WORK for our material. Is that War Machine horse too dead to beat on again?

Or maybe not if you believe this story that came out today: supposedly Roy Jones jr. may be able to talk Hasim Rahman into making his MMA debut against Lashley. Man, a guy who admits he hasn’t even started one day of grappling training making his MMA debut against a professional wrestler on very short notice? If this is true, this is going to be almost as epic a disaster.

#4 THE MASK AND THE FURIOUS

The MMA world is mourning the loss of Tap OuT co-founder Charles “Mask” Lewis. . The dude was apparently chillin’ in his Ferrari with his shorty when this Porsche rolled up next to him and he got taunted into street racing some old drunken fuck. Well, here’s why you should leave street racing to shitty Vin Diesel movies kids: GODDAMN!!

What a shitty way to die. Now, maybe your perception changes when you’re rich enough to own a sweet Ferrari, but if some old drunk motherfucker rolls up on the side of my Chrysler Crossfire and challenges me to street race him, I’m going to tell him to fuck off.

The MMA world is going to miss Mask because he was the innovator of making stupid MMA fans buy up ugly and way overpriced t-shirts. But the good thing was, he used a lot of that money for good for sponsoring fighters at a time before a fighter getting sponsoring was easy to do. You know, the days when after a fight when the UFC was in the 20s and a fighter would be like “I’d like to thank my sponsors Hank’s Big & Tall Emporium in Trenton, NJ. Dog Eat Dogfood World pet store, Jerry’s Hearing Aid Super Center in Atlantic City. And my Uncle Rick for loaning me 100 bones.” Of course TapOuT is also responsible for birthing Affliction, Jesus Didn’t Tap, One More Round, and countless other fugly t-shirt makers. But it’s best not to think about that (or the TV show) or you might be glad he died.

#5: DANA WHITE PLANS ON FUCKING WITH STRIKEFORCE

Remember all that bullshit Dana used to say about being cool with Strikeforce? Remember how Scott Coker didn’t have the balls to admit he’d be pissed if Dana ran free cards on Spike up against Strikeforce pay-per-views? Well, he’d better get ready to be enraged in a passive aggressive way, because the UFC will be running the controversial Penn vs. St. Pierre II show on Spike up against the April 11th Shamrock vs. Diaz show.

Dana White has shown he doesn’t care how much you claim you’re not competition to the UFC, if there is a TV camera filming your MMA show you’re competition to the UFC. It doesn’t matter how good your verbal dicksucking is (and Scott Coker gives really good verbal head!) Dana White wants to make sure your company fails so he can scoop up whatever fighters that are left in the wreckage. So you might as well get some publicity out of the UFC by talking shit about them. It looks much better than providing Dana with some vaseline that Phil Nurse loaned you to help him rape you better before he pillages your company. The idea that if you meekly bow your head and admit he is your master and your MMA company isn’t a grain of sand in the MMA sandbox that Zuffa built, he’ll leave you alone is dead. So why not go out swinging in a blaze of glory?

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