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This Week In Shit That Fuckin’ Happened (March 1st To March 7th)

It was a pretty slow news week in MMA. Most of the focus was on the build up to UFC 96, which is one of those shows that will probably be enjoyable but just can’t get you excited during the lead up. But outside of that, here is The Week In Shit That Fuckin’ Happened!

#1: TOM ATENCIO DOESN’T KNOW WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON

Sure, we all assumed it. But this week it was confirmed. Affliction is so poorly run the owner Tom Atencio:

*Has no idea who is signed to his company. (Din)

*Admits it’s only a matter of time before the focus of his company leaves. (Fedor)

*Created some new mystery contract to explain a fighters absence. (Tito)

*Has no problem paying Tim 800K and Lindland 300K but thinks women are a waste of money.

*Thinks he proved Dana’s prediction they’re dying in ’09 wrong by making it a whopping 2 and 1/2 months into it. Congratulations!

I really want Affliction to succeed, since without them it means staying up until 3am to see a Japanese feed on HDNet if I want to see my hero and yours, Fedor fight, but this asshole can’t even find the balls to humor people into thinking his company is going to survive. Not a good sign. His chief reasoning on why fans need to continue to believe in and support him and Affliction was “Hey, I love MMA.” Well, so do all of us, but 99.9999999% of us aren’t qualified to be a promoter. Although we all could come up with better t-shirt designs.

#2: SHAMROCK VS. LASHLEY

Just when you thought Sylvia vs. Mercer was as low as MMA could go, you get Bobby Lashley, a professional wrestler in his 2nd fight facing Ken Shamrock, as the semi-main event on a show with a Jones-Sheika boxing match. The trainwreck enthusiast in me can’t wait to see this back alley abortion, as the combat sport enthusiast feels nothing but shame. Either we’re going to see another great Shamrock beatdown, where after he wakes up he’ll claim his trick knee went out during training and somehow that lead to him being knocked out. Or we’ll see a professional wrestler get humiliated by a guy who wants us to forget he was a professional wrestler, because the only way Lashley can lose is to be in totally humiliating fashion. Like so humiliating he immediately flees to his hotel room to hang himself with a belt looped around the shower rod. Because let’s face it, losing to Ken Shamrock this decade is as low as you can go, a total kiss of death for your career. I don’t even think it’s worth taking a fight against him, the last guy who got the “respect” of saying he has a win over Ken Shamrock was Rich Franklin 4 years ago and even then it wasn’t that big a deal. But suffering a loss, that ends your career period.

Rest of the list after the jump.

#3: TEDDY ATLAS TALKS ABOUT ASS PIMPLES

For those unfamiliar with who Theodore Atlas is, he rose to boxing fame as Cus D’Amato’s second in command. D’Amato was famous for being the trainer of heavyweight champion Floyd Patterson (who was a great boxer that lost his title to Sonny Liston at the height of his bad motherfuckerism.) After that, and rubbing people in boxing the wrong way by snitching on mafia influence in the industry (according to Cus, anyway) he toiled in semi-obscurity for decades. Sure, he was still training boxers, but none of them were stars on the level of Patterson. Until one day a juvenile corrections officer acting as a talent scout for D’Amato brought Mike Tyson to his attention. D’Amato was in his late 70s by that point and wasn’t able to be the main trainer anymore, so he turned his duties over to Teddy Atlas, who took Tyson through the amateur ranks where he brutalized everybody until he lost in the Olympic trials and then decided to turn pro. Atlas suddenly split with the D’Amato camp, claiming Tyson was out of control with them doing nothing about it, even claiming he had to pull a gun on Iron Mike because he groped his teenage sister in law. So needless to say the guy has cred in the boxing world.

To start off we should give Teddy a congratulations, as he seems to have recently graduated away from the “MMA is barbaric and not the real sport boxing is” crowd into the reasonable “I don’t have to like it, but it’s here to stay” opinion. But he made a comment to Fanhouse that has been getting a reaction from MMA fans:

The reality is, when you see a big fight, whether it’s De La Hoya-Pacquiao or De La Hoya-Mayweather, or whatever, you realize — and I’m not knocking mixed martial arts, I think that sport’s good and the participants are tough guys — but Ultimate Fighting’s not a pimple on the ass of boxing.

Of course the harshness of the statement got a knee-jerk reaction from the MMA community of “Fuck Teddy Atlas, he’s old and doesn’t know what he’s talking about!” But the point stands. If you polled every combat sport fan in the world, or even just AmeriKKKa (since we’re all that matters, right?) MMA fans would be crushed to learn that boxing isn’t as dead as Dana White likes to make them believe, it’s just comatose. The boxing fans are out there. They might be older, they may not follow the sport with the same hardcore passion MMA fans do. But just because they aren’t stream….I mean, buying up every event offered like MMA fans do, when there’s something they want to see (and right now it only seems to be fights featuring Oscar De La Hoya unfortunately) they’ll order in large numbers. In comparison is UFC getting “Pimple on the ass” numbers? Definitely not. UFC broke a million in ’06 with Liddell-Ortiz II and hasn’t looked back, so it’s more like a large boil or nasty rash covering an entire cheek. But the larger point stands that if boxing could get their shit together (lol!) and offer some fights people want to see more than once every other year, Dana White would be humbled. But as long as a charismatic American heavyweight who puts on entertaining fights doesn’t come around, he’ll be just fine.

#4: EVERYBODY HATES WAMMA

As MMA fans, we’re never satisfied with anything. You could give us a supercard with Fedor-Couture and GSP-Anderson Silva double main eventing on free television and we’d find something to bitch about for it. But this week MMA fans really lit WAMMA’s ass up twice.

First, fans were absolutely outraged that WAMMA lightweight champion Shinya Aoki was ranked above UFC Lightweight champion BJ Penn. They said the loss to GSP shouldn’t factor in since it was outside of the Lightweight division, and that since we all agree Penn would beat Aoki if they fought, it would be ridiculous ranking Penn below. While I definitely agree Penn beats Aoki any day of the week, since when were any rankings based on a fantasy match up? And plus, they’ve got him ranked above only as their champion, since DREAM is okay with the WAMMA title and UFC already told them to go fuck themselves in the ass with their fugly belts. While everyone agrees Anderson Silva is the best middleweight on the planet, I’m sure if they give out a WAMMA Middleweight belt to Robbie Lawler he’ll shoot up the rankings as well. Of course there’s no way in hell Lawler would ever beat Silva, but how ridiculous would WAMMA look going “OUR CHAMPION SUCKS! LET’S RANK THE GUY WHOSE PROMOTION WANTS NOTHING TO DO WITH US!” It would never happen. It would have been like the UFC admitting Wanderlei Silva was the superior 205lb champion when Tito had their UFC belt even though everybody knew it.

And later in the week they put out rankings of the Women’s divisions that got a bunch of negative articles. The MMA press’s issue revolved around the talent pool being smaller compared to the men’s, so not enough fights take place to get a true sense of who the best of the best really is. Another issue is the amount of catchweight fights that take place in the women’s division, whereas the men’s divisions are so stacked it’s not needed since you’ve got enough big names to face each other at their weight. Not to mention a certain fatty fat fat fat fighter basically forcing EVERY fight she has into a catchweight since she can’t put the Little Debbie’s snack cakes down. But I don’t think any of that really matters. They deserve to be ranked as nobody views women’s MMA as a sideshow anymore, so to say their hard work doesn’t deserve to be ranked like the men’s just because they have a hard time finding places to fight on a regular basis is not fair. I think the rankings are pretty close to on the money, Gina and Cris Cyborg should fight for the……whatever weight Gina thinks she can make this time division title, Tara is definitely #1 in the Super Bantamweight division until Roxy finally gets a chance to fight her again, and Fuji is above Damm at Bantam. What’s there to complain about?

#5: HEY, KEVIN RANDLEMAN IS STILL ALIVE!

New fans can’t pretend to remotely give a shit about the Kevin Randleman saga (you know, because in MMA anything that happened before Zuffa bought the UFC doesn’t count.) But to longtime fans, even if you think the guy sucks (well, before 2004) you can’t help but get excited every time Kevin Randleman pops up in the news.

He’s been quiet lately, but left us with quite a bit to remember. From his epic submission loss to Shogun, where he considered tapping for what seemed like longer than the fight itself in which he destroyed his knee, to being suspended for either using animal piss or worse yet corpse piss to give as his NSAC drug test before the fight. Then he nearly died from kidney failure, wigged out, was pulled over for speeding and reckless driving in such a manner that makes Rampage look like a pussy, was discovered to have a white powder under his nose and reek of liquor by the cop, then he threatened to beat the shit out of the cop as he tried to take him into custody, and tried to bust up the police car on his way in. Then the last place on the planet who would be cool with roided guys going bezerk on the cops with organ failure problems going crazy and taking on cops working for them, PRIDE FC, shut down (*sniff*), and the world thought they’d hear the last of “The Monster” in MMA.

But he’s back. He says he’s working on a comeback, even though he admits he’s at the end of his career (hey, he can’t do any worse than Coleman) and he wants a MMA fight after having to fulfill his fighting passion with bar fights for the past couple of years.

“If someone sees it’s Kevin Randleman- [they think] “I’ll fuck him up!” No you won’t motherfucker! Swear to God, if you ever think that shit, you should smack yourself because – don’t fuck with me! You could be 300lbs and I swear to God, 300lbs is going to make you so slow I’m going to knock you out on your feet. Nobody’s that fast – if you’re a 300lb man, don’t step to me because I’ve got power in my hands and when I hit you in the face, you’re going to fall down. There’s no gloves on these hands! That’s how I learnt to fight. I’ve got all these scars as war wounds, not from sitting in the kitchen with my mum, baking fucking cookies!”

Come on, you won’t get that entertainment from goddamn Gonzaga. Never leave the public eye, Kevin!

That wraps up this week. Stay tuned to see me type in text descriptions of my tears if Jardine beats Rampage and Machida gets the Light Heavyweight title shot.

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