You’re not the only one who thinks Fightlinker kinda sucks from time to time. Depending on my menstrual cycle, I feel the same way. Today I was feeling pretty okay about stuff, but then I read Jim Genia’s summary of this week’s Ultimate Fighter episode and felt much shame because it kicks the ass of what I’m up to on a day to day basis:
Coach Quinton Jackson and his lieutenant Tiki-Tiki-Head (yes, he’s a giant wooden Hawaiian statue of a head – weird, huh?) train Kimbo on the art of avoiding getting raped by a dude, instructing him to push on the head and scramble out. If that doesn’t work, use pepper spray, blow your rape whistle, and consider getting a good therapist. People are starting to come around about Kimbo, reconsidering their initial opinions of him being a thug and his beard some sort of sinister homage to the Taliban. Brandon Cottonswab even goes so far as to hand the former backyard brawler a valentine with “I Heart Kimbo” scrawled on it.
Meanwhile, Team Rashad trains and everyone loves each other and gives each other back rubs, but being a cut above the other contestants sets Roy “Big Country-Fried Steak” apart from the others, and he lets them know this. Also, he eats a production assistant, and the young P.A.’s cries from within Nelson’s belly are disconcerting.
“I can’t train you,” says one of Coach Rashad Evans’ lieutenants. “You know too much, you eat people whole, and all day long we have to listen to them cry from inside you while they’re being digested. You’re like a bipedal Sarlacc Pit monster, and if you don’t stop I’m going to get Andrei Arlovski to knock you out again.” At that, Nelson promises to play nicer with the other kids.
Next week I’m actually getting together with some jackals in Hixson Tennessee to watch the Kimbo fight episode, but after that I might just stop watching the show and just stick to reading these recaps. Anything to avoid watching the abortions that are passing for fights this season.
Note: Also worth revisiting: Martial Fart’s own absurdist take on The Ultimate Fighter from a few seasons back.