I hate it when funny and talented writers get into combat sports. It makes me look bad. There’s MMA Fighting’s Ben Fowlkes, who I plan on murdering and replacing a la The Talented Mr Ripley. Other Ben from CagePotato is pretty good, especially when you compare him to the other hacks on his site. Even Zeus from MiddleEasy is amusing in a ‘So this is what writing on meth looks like’ kind of way.
The main person who should be concerned about this development is Mauro Ranallo. Fans accept his corny one-liners for the same reason they buy $60 skull shirts with foil and sapphires glued on them – they’re retarded from all the crack their mom smoked during pregnancy and they don’t know any better. But once they get a taste for good one liners, can they go back to the garbage Ranallo spews? Let’s see.
Here’s some of the best zings from Seanbaby’s latest article, The 10 Most Insane Acts of Violence in Kickboxing History.
- “Semmy beat every inch of him like he was Keith Moon’s drum kit.”
- “Sumo skills translate to fighting about as well as they do to trampoline safety. Chocolate rabbits have more natural defenses than Akebono.”
- “Remy Bonjasky is what horny female geneticists would make if they were hired to build the perfect kickboxer. He’s what Hitler draws when you ask him what he’s most afraid of.”
- “Sapp counter attacked like a frat boy trying to break his bitch ex girlfriend’s stereo.”
- “This fight is what the Alamo uses as its Facebook picture.”
- “Their punches hit at the exact same time and they were both knocked out cold. The timing was so impossible that Michael J. Fox drove out of the impact and asked what year it was.”
- “Every fight with Rob Kaman comes with a free lifetime limp.”
- “Buakaw opened a Muay Thai school on Masato. Thai survivors of Japan’s WWII invasion watch this and say, ‘Jesus, take it easy on the Japanese fella.'”
That last one is a personal favorite, as I’m always trying to spread the word that behind their agreeable eyes and polite demeanors, Japanese people are historical motherfuckers.