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The Homo’s Guide to UFC74’s Main Events

Randy Couture vs Gabriel Gonzaga

Randy: The grizzled bear, king of the woods. Pretty much the only fag in the village who’s still universally respected by all the queens. He doesn’t do the dirty work for show or to stay on top of the fag pyramid. He does it because he likes it.

Gabriel: The young stud, the big boy from Brazil who came to town hot for cock but not knowing the ropes. As time has gone on he thinks he’s learned a few things, but the truth is he’s just been used. His bulging bags up top and down below call to the boys who like to be dominated, but he’s a fool to think he can play Randy at his own game.

Who’s the top: Gabriel, but only because Randy likes it like that

The One Eyed Essential: One would think Gabriel has the larger package, but Randy has gone through everything including a stint with suspension. While Gonzaga’s got some serious South American Pine in his shorts, Randy’s got a dropper with multiple studs and rings.

Georges St Pierre vs Josh Koscheck

Georges: The nice boy who speaks french. He’s been around the block, taken in by every queer with a taste for innocence. But don’t let that smile and those eyes fool you. He’s left every one of the men he’s been with, and always going a step up in his secret quest for village dominance. While men watch his muscles ripple, they don’t notice the wheels turning. While Georges has his girl moments and needs a shoulder to cry on, he’ll flip the switch and scratch you up an hour later.

Josh: The bad boy. Everyone wants to hate him, but those pearly curls and the mulatto complexion is just too 2007 to resist. No one ever expects to end up in bed with that asshole Josh, but of course when 9am rolls around at the afterhours and he turns on the charm by sharing the ketamine, you know where things are going.

Who’s the top: Josh loves the top. The only thing he loves more than top is doing blow off a hard cock.

The One Eyed Essential: Georges wins here. Boys from la Belle Province aren’t known for their long snakes, but he must have a touch of Indian in him because Georges has the largest totem pole in the tribe.