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Rule Britannia

Ever wonder why, given their geographical location, Australians are light-skinned, and have accents similar to the Brits? If you have, then we can safely assume you quit school in the 7th grade to form your own heavy metal band, which thanks to the advent of “Retro Night” still does get some righteous gigs. Kudos to you for chasing your dreams, even if the cost was abject poverty. If you’re scratching your head saying, “Where you going with this Professor Obvious?” then you already know the answer.

Like they did with most of the world back in the day, Great Britain went up in there with their fire sticks and their communicable diseases and wrecked shop on the indigenous peoples. They sought to establish a penal colony, but like all the great European powers of the time, they just couldn’t help themselves to the resources and the women. And really, who could?

The first country vs country format for The Ultimate Fighter was on season nine when the UK went against the US – also a former colony. Now they’re set to go head up against the Aussies. The season begins September 19th and features the Brit, Ross Pierson and his subjugated mate, George Sotiropoulos, as coaches.

The US didn’t really require retribution for the historical plunder, what with beating England in two major wars, saving their asses in numerous international crises, and taking their spot as the world’s top dog. But even though the series ended with two Brits crowned Ultimate Fighters, the coach’s fight saw Dan Henderson deliver a six megaton nuclear bomb to Michael Bisping’s chin. The result can be viewed as a tie.

Australia, however, has never gotten to smack England around, so this is their chance. Can they do it? Can a largely powerless country achieve revenge for historical atrocities through a handful of their rowdy sons? And what’s next for Team UK after this? India? Palestine? Sudan? How many other former colonies will England be matched up against before the UFC realizes that creating variations of a suck-ass show only produces suck-ass variations? These are the pertinent questions that by the grace of the Queen’s wrinkled ass must be answered.