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Penny Arcade on MMA

When it comes to sites we look up to as influences, Penny Arcade is definitely one of the top ones. They’re just two goofballs who managed to take their stupid webcomic thing and build it into an empire complete with a massive t-shirt operation and their own fan expo! Well, to be more accurate, they just concentrated on the funny and their business partner Khoo built the empire, but it’s still pretty damn inspiring (especially considering we may have just brought in our own Khoo). So to see them make a comic about MMA was pretty cool, even though it’s apparently not their cuppa:

We rented a slew of videos and prepared ourselves for displays of incredible prowess. I don’t know what we were expecting, exactly, some Wing Chun shit perhaps, but the matches we saw tended to follow a very specific pattern:

1. One dude, let’s call him “He Who Is About To Lose,” tries to rock some Wing Chun shit.
2. The other dude grabs his leg, and proceeds to bend his opponent’s body into a shape we no longer recognize as human.

Reference the comic above for a detailed analysis of the rest of the match. Part of it is almost certainly that we (this is the greater, gamer-encompassing we, but also anyone who watches movies ever) have a somewhat warped idea of what human bodies can tolerate in terms of hit points. Even by those standards, we were not prepared to see how short the distance is from Point A to Point B, where Point A is a human specimen in peak condition and Point B is a wholly sundered being.

Given the prevailing cultural opinion, you would imagine that (given the quantity of videogames I ingest) seeing two people try to castrate each other on television would have no discernible effect, or maybe even soothe me, in some grisly inversion of the supposed natural order. So steeped am I in terrible violence that seeing a man’s vas deferens hauled out of him, like precious copper from some doomed building, should be as gentle as seeing a formation of dandelion seeds sail by – but it isn’t. I can’t actually watch things like this. We pulled up a few videos while we were writing the comic, searching with keywords designed to create maximum amusement, and we saw fit to close the browser. It may be that such “look away moments” are the attraction of the sport, but in my specific case I am happy to look away – and continue doing so – as a matter of considered policy.

I suppose I should have warned you that Tycho, the guy who writes the Penny Arcade posts, doesn’t really blog … he makes tedious love to the English language, paying special attention to long similes with arcane vocabulary. Using one of my own, if big unloved words were big unloved women, Tycho would be the ultimate chubby chaser.