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Okay, we’ve gotta make some clarifications on our stance for UFC 78. Yes, we’ve been whipping this bitch for weeks now since they announced Evans/Bisping as the main event. Have we gone overboard with our criticism of the event? Sure. But hey, this is Fightlinker, not

The reason we hate on UFC 78 is because it continues a disturbing trend that was established back at UFC 67 when Travis Lutter didn’t make weight. When asked why he was so pissed about Lutter’s weight, Dana said “This is a fucking pay per view and now it doesn’t have a title shot. That fucking sucks.” Yes Dana, it does suck.

But once the seal was broken, non-title UFCs have slowly become accepted. UFC 70 got a pass because it was shown for free on Spike. But then we had UFC 72 on PPV, with the dog of a main event being Rich Franklin vs Yushin Okami for #1 contender. But hey, at least the fight MEANT something, right? Right???

Not so for UFC 76 : Knockout. Main event on that card … Keith Jardine vs Chuck Liddell. No belt. No contendership. Just the promise of a slugfest. But hey, at least we got to see Chuck Liddell, right? Right???

Now we’re at UFC 78. Main event: Rashad Evans vs Michael Bisping. Jesus ballsack Christ, people! I ‘understand’ that this wasn’t the UFC’s plan a, plan b, plan c or even plan d. But come on, now. There comes a point where you have to say “You can’t continue to feed me crap and call it caviar.” While the UFC couldn’t come out and say “Yeah we know, the main event is kinda weak”, they could have at least dropped the PPV price or something.

Simple matter of fact is that if the UFC can get away with these tepid main events, they’ll do it. Rather than busting a nut and doing what they have to in order to fix their card, they’ll take a poo on a plate and serve it up with a smile. And that’s something everyone should be against on principle, no matter how many great sleeper matches are on the card as well.

(Fightlinker note – as an anniversary gift to my hetero site-partner Jake, I picked up a copy of the Idiot’s Guide to Ultimate Fighting. Not only would he get to soak in the juicy UFC propaganda, but he’d be able to provide you all with a nice review! Enjoy.)

There’s been talk around Fightlinker that everyone’s favorite sidekick is getting increasingly more knowledgeable when it comes to the realm of mixed martial arts. It’s not easy playing fiddle to Ryan’s banjo, especially since I got in the MMA game pretty late. Hell, by the time I started watching, the Ortiz golden age had long ended, and Georges St. Pierre was already on his knees begging for a title shot (for the second time – a piece of advice for all you novice fighters: by begging, you might just get a disproportionate amount of title fights, even if your english is terrible!).

Well, it’s finally time for me to reveal my secret to success: “The Complete Idiot’s Guide to Ultimate Fighting”. Yes, I decided that for the good of the website, and the MMA world, I was simply going to have to bite the bullet and read this tome of infinite wisdom. The difference one afternoon makes, i tell you!

For those of you not “in the know”, the book was written by Rich Franklin and Jon F. Merz. The second guy is apparently a Ninjitsu Master, which basically means that the only thing he can do in the Octagon is throw a gas pellet and slit his opponent’s throat. It’s impossible to tell just who wrote what, although one thing clearly shines through the entire tome: Franklin wasn’t over his loss.

If you all remember, the book was written in the interim between Franklin’s first loss and subsequent rematch with Anderson Silva. With his spectacular defeat still making all the highlight reels, no doubt Franklin was still recovering from having his nose busted while putting ink to paper. It’s apparent throughout the book, as he endlessly goes on about the need to defend and master the clinch. The most prophetic moment comes near the end, of course, in the section “Building a Game Plan”

” …if the opponent is a gifted Muay Thai stylist renowned for his use of the clinch to deliver an awesome barrage of knee strikes, then the fighter will train to defend himself against such attacks. By constantly putting himself on the receiving end during practice, he will gain confidence in dealing with that situation. Hopefully, it will keep him protected during the fight, forcing the opponent to abandon or at least temporarily sideline that particular weapon and try something else.”

Wow. That’s really all you can say in hindsight. I mean, we all know what happened. Rich did as his book foretold: he tried valiantly to protect himself in the clinch, but unfortunately for him, Silva failed to abandon his atomic knees to the face.

Apart from Richie’s Nostradamus moments, the book reads like your typical guide, focusing strongly on grappling and defending/achieving better positioning, and training. Although there is a strong odor of sex from sucking Zuffa’s collective cocks, it never feels like it’s shilling too much. We all recognize the current domination of the UFC in the world of MMA. Had this been the Idiot’s Guide to EliteXC, it would have felt more like a press release than a book.

Still, it’s worth it just to see how many times Rich uses the word “God” (Ed’s Note – 47 times) when talking about his own story. There is, unfortunately, no parting thoughts on the wrecking ball that is Silva, but no doubt that too would have merited a shout out to the Lord, presumably, in the “Oh God, don’t let him hit me again” variety.

Trouble has sneaked up like a ninja in the darkness for Strikeforce as they prepare for the first regulated MMA tournament in California. Word is that fighter Yuki Sasaki has not yet been cleared by the CSAC, and to make matters worse neither has the tournament’s backup fighter Jeremiah Metcalf.

No word on who’s dog was being fucked at the time this big whoopsie occurred … I mean seriously, let’s think about this for a second: the backup Strikeforce got in case one of their fighters didn’t clear sanctioning … MIGHT NOT GET SANCTIONED!

It wouldn’t surprise me if Metcalf can’t get cleared because of a severe case of ‘suck-itis’ … his record is a paltry 5-3 compared to the rest of the main tournament fighters who have 20+ fight records. For all the Salmon-Heads out there hoping their Frankenberry’s gonna save the day, don’t get too excited yet. The whole affair is pretty messy and there’s no word on how the CSAC will react to all this last second switcheroo madness going on with the card.

Oh, and if Metcalf does get cleared, I bet you anything the guy who gets him in the first round wins the tournament. Nothing like the path of least resistance to a tourney win!

If you’re worried that I’ve sold my soul to Bodog and am whoring out their gambling shit, then don’t worry: it’ll take at least a few more weeks for my affiliate paperwork to go through. For now, this isn’t ‘whoring’ since whoring denotes getting paid. So am I slutting it up? I’m so new to this. It’s so exciting.

Anyways, the point of this post is to tell you guys how tilted the Bodog odds are on some of the UFC78 fights:

Joe Lauzon -450
Jason Reinhardt +300

Karo Parisyan -450
Ryo Chonan +300

Rashad Evans -325
Michael Bisping +250

Now I don’t know the math on this shit so I have no idea how much you’ll make by doing whatever. The general rule on betting is the guy with the – is the favorite and the bigger the difference between the two numbers, the more money you make betting on the underdog. I think that’s how it works. As you can tell, I’m not exactly that Perfumedy guy. With that disclaimer, let’s take a look at some long shot betting!

Joe Lauzon -450
Jason Reinhardt +300

This is a case of yin and yang, or karmic comeuppance. Joe Lauzon got a sweet karmic break against Jens Pulver last year, so the stars demand that Joe must now lose in embarrassing fashion himself to an underdog. Unless of course Joe sold his soul to Satan for that win over Jens. In which case Joe will probably win. Because if he’s smart he’d sell his soul to be a great fighter, not so he could win one fight.

Karo Parisyan -450
Ryo Chonan +300

I love Karo Parisyan, but he’s only ended fights twice since 2001. In other words, he can’t put out a match … dude couldn’t find a sub at Quiznos. Chonan on the other hand has lotsa knockouts on his resume and some retardedly sick submissions. He is the father of the mythical ‘Flying Heel Hook’. Plus he looks like an Asian fucking gangsta. All in all, this here’s your best chance at making some sweet cash … Chonan winning would only be considered an upset by ignorant TUF fans.

Rashad Evans -325
Michael Bisping +250

People keep forgetting the fact that Rashad Evans fucking sucks. Sure, Michael Bisping isn’t exactly stellar either, but he’s a lot better than Rashad. This fight could go either way depending on how dumb or smart Bisping is with his game plan, but I have no idea what the odds guy is smoking putting odds like this out. I wouldn’t bet my kid on it (I already lost him on Tito-Shamrock 3), but I wouldn’t feel too uncomfortable putting a few bucks on Bisping.

A significant portion of our readers are also fans of “The Low Blow”, our flagship radio show. And if you are a fan, you may have heard that this weekend, we’ll be doing a live show on Saturday, via streaming. Considering both of us are borderline retarded when it comes to technology, this thing will either be the most awesome show in the history of MMA, or it’ll tap out faster than Bo Cantrell (too soon?). Either way, every single reader absolutely needs to tune in and listen, since we’ll be doing the show right after UFC 78!

So, since we’re busy setting up everything to be hunky dory, we want everyone who listens to the show to start hyping it up. That’s right: your solemn duty is to lie, exaggerate, and do everything possible to get everyone to listen in. Tell your girlfriend that Oprah will be on, or your non MMA friends that hot, sexy naked women will be fucking on the show, live. Hey, it worked for Howard Stern, no?

So now you know what to do. What the fuck are you sitting there just reading this then? Get to it Jackals!

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