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Okay, you all might be wondering what the fuck is up with no updates yesterday or today. I’m sure at this point you’re all pretty sick of hearing about my ass problems but it looks like they’ve taken a more serious turn. Results from a test taken on Thursday have come back and I’m going into the hospital in about an hour to get a colonoscopy, which is basically where they jam a gigantic rod up my ass to look for cancer.

While nothing is for sure right now, the news is certainly a bummer. I’ve basically been sitting around feeling pretty crappy, and not even the UFC Fight Night prelim fights could cheer me up. I’ve tried writing a few articles but they’ve all sucked so I’m just going to take the day off and deal with this shit so I can come back tomorrow refocused and actually give a crap about what’s going on in MMA.

I don’t know whether to feel proud or ashamed. We give UFC ring girl Edith Larente a brutal hard time around here, but we never really expected the whole ‘horseface’ nickname to take off across the MMA scene like it has. Of course, if the saddle fits….

In honor of our favorite ring girl who never fails to give us something to talk about, here are our fellow Jackals’ top reasons that Edith Larente missed the UFC80 weigh-ins:

  1. She hurt her leg-..they had no choice but to put her down.
  2. She had no shoes to wear; they were all still at the blacksmith’s.
  3. Silly people, horses can’t fly in planes, she has to be shipped over in a ship, which takes longer.
  4. The UFC refused to put hay in her contract under food allowance.
  5. Since the Elephant Man, England has strict controls on exhibiting freaks.
  6. Edith only does PPVs and not promos because she’s not used to giving it away for free.
  7. She forgot to take our her junk-piercing at the airport and is now working as an escort in Gitmo.
  8. Still waiting in quarantine with two german shepherds and a shitzu.
  9. EU labor laws don’t allow horses to do the work of humans.
  10. Strict laws in England protect their hookers from foreign competition.

Extra props go to Jemaleddin, Accomando, Kentyman, Dignan, and Operatorfor being the most evil of the bunch. You truly are jackals of the worst stripe!

Last night I was watching ShoXC, and while the fights were great there were a few things that still bugged the fuck out of me. I was gonna make another list like I did last time but my boy Sam Caplan beat me to it:

First, what does someone need to do to make sure that EliteXC never has a DJ scratching a record over the PA during fighter introductions ever again? It sounds like crap on TV and it sounds even crappier in person. Sorry to get all Fight Linker on everyone for a second but there’s just no way to sugar coat it. It’s annoying and obnoxious.

On TV, it sounds like someone has the house mic and is just banging it into their hand. At first, I really thought that the bass in the speakers of my TV were messed up. In person, the bass was giving me a migraine. I get the idea, they want to make MMA hip and cool and appeal to its younger demographic. But we’re all here for the fights. Full contact martial arts is hip enough. We don’t need the record scratching unless you’re Grandmaster Flash.

Speaking of trying too hard to be hip, the EliteXC rap song needs to be banished as well. And I’m still not a fan of the dancers. The way the T’N’A aspect is addressed in boxing and the UFC by just having a ring girl display the round number following a round is the way to go. Sometimes less is more.

I’ll bet you dollars to donuts the DJ is that fucking asshole Hapa. He’s been scratching over fighter announcements and judge’s decisions since the K1 Dynamite show, and will probably continue to do that until someone does something about it. I’ve already asked Caplan to punch Skala in the face so it would seem impolite to try and get him to take care of Hapa too. I’ve seen people get smoked in the face with a turntable before, and trust me: they don’t come back. All it would take is one brave soul. I bet the police wouldn’t even arrest you. They’d just put you in a car all official like and then let you out a few blocks from the venue, shake your hand and say “Good job, son. Good job.”

Well, I’m pretty pissed off at the moment. Health issues have prevented me from hitting the gym on Friday and getting a new snapshot and official weight. As everyone reading the comments knows, I’m suffering from mysterious burning ass syndrome to the point where Thursday night was spent rolling around until 5am in agony. As a response, Jake canceled Friday’s workout and refuses to let us reschedule for today. So no gym till Monday.

The good news is that all the workouts I did do were great. Monday we started up a new high intensity training routine. I’m still a bit iffy on the idea of hitting the weights only twice a week but with 2-3 MMA classes a week I suppose it’s no big deal. Monday’s workout was brutal but felt excellent. I think we were getting a bit complacent with our old routine so I’m happy we switched things up.

Last but not least I really think I’m starting to break through in my grappling. I’m no longer making the mistakes I used to and now have really good balance in top position. Stephane Vigneault (Montreal fighter) was doing drills with us and I managed to do pretty well against him half the time. Not like I came close to winning the drill, but even passing to half guard, escaping side control, or escaping a sub of his is pretty sweet.

All in all things are going well. Since putting up the pictures from last week I’ve been extra motivated to avoid eating things which are bad for me. As a result, when I hit the scales after training on Thursday night I was sitting at 209.3. This isn’t an accurate weight compared to last week though because I’m usually a bit dehydrated after class. Official weight comes from the gym scale after the lunchtime workout … I like to keep it same time / same place so I know hydration and other stuff isn’t affecting the result. But I’m pretty confident that by monday I’ll be down between 210 and 211. I’ll update y’all then.

With the UFC sitting back and saying “We have to abide by what the sanctioning bodies tell us”, I figured we’d never end up seeing random drug testing of MMA fighters outside of the standard pre and post fight stuff. But now it looks like Nevada has taken the lead on this issue and is about to put the fucking smack down on any juicer who plans on fighting in Vegas:

Random testing throughout the year will further deter any fighters considering taking non-approved substances,” said Executive Director Kizer. “The additional testing, which will be paid for by the Commission, will help us keep the sport of unarmed combat safe and fair for all fighters.”

Selection of licensees for testing will be made in one of three ways:
1. Fighters may be randomly chosen for testing.
2. If there is some indication that a fighter is taking a non-approved substance, they may be tested.
3. If a fighter has previously tested positive for using a non-approved substance, they may be tested.

Oh fucking god yes. For those of you unfamiliar with how steroids work, here’s an ultra simplified explanation: all steroids have a half-life, which is to say a point where the steroid can no longer be detected by testing. Most fighters just juice up till that point before a fight so that by the time they get tested, they seem clean. Basically, up until this point the only people getting caught using steroids are the ones who are pretty damned stupid.

Random drug testing on the other hand is going to catch a big fuckload of fighters. Of course, I’m wondering how the tests will be carried out. Is someone from the NSAC going to be flying all over the world testing fighters for upcoming events? Are they simply going to be demanding piss and blood be FedEx’d to them? There’s still the possibility of loopholes that fighters will be able to exploit to avoid getting caught. But overall I’m fucking hyped about this. The last thing I want is the MMA turning into the Tour de France.

(funny side note: I typed ‘steroid user’ into google to find a good title picture for this post and Sean Sherk’s picture came up on the first page of results. I saw that as a sign.)

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