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Miss Manners: Post-Defeat Etiquette

(Matthew Polly is back with some helpful pointers on how to honorably guide yourself through the process of dealing with an MMA loss in front of a crowd of crunked out asshammers.)

You have just embarrassed yourself, your coaches, and your teammates. You also made your mother cry. And your wife is furious you didn’t earn the win bonus, because you won’t be able to fix her car like you said you would for the last six months. Let all that humiliation ooze out of your enlarged pores. Drop your head, cover your face, and slump your shoulders. You are the lowliest of the low. Let everyone see you down. It will create sympathy in the audience and the potential for a Comeback Kid storyline.

Unless you made a number of &feature=related”>youtube videos mocking your opponent’s ego, accent, and nationality, he will most likely try to be gracious. Whether you are lying on your back with a doctor pointing a pen light into your eyes or folded on a stool with Stitch wiping copious amounts of blood from your face, gratefully accept the victor’s hug and the false praise he whispers into your ear. Sure, it looks a little gay, but this is MMA, which zombie boxing promoters already think is gay. Go with it.

Do not crumple in a corner and “>cry or, for God’s sake, run from the ring. Of course, you are an emotional being and defeat is anguish, but you are also a pro and losses in MMA are, unlike in boxing, an accepted part of the sport. Besides, some snarky bastard will illegally edit the clip, put it to music, and upload it. Then another snarky bastard will write a post about “being a man” and link to it. Always remember that you might not have just one but maybe even two New York Times bestsellers in you. Crying and running hurt sales.

When Joe Rogan sticks that mike in your face, end the shame ritual immediately. Straighten your back, lift up your head, and speak clearly. Praise your opponent: “He was a lot tougher than I expected.” Hint that this was a one-off: “Tonight just wasn’t my night.” Pitch the comeback storyline: “I’m heading back to the gym and next time I’ll be a lot more technical, skilled, conditioned, talented, ripped, handsome, well-hung, etc.” Just remember to forget to mention your sponsors. They don’t want to be associated with your loss, especially since most of them are apparel companies that are on the verge of bankruptcy anyway.

This is also known as the anti-Tito Ortiz rule. Study his behavior and do the exact opposite, e.g. do not marry a porn star that is more famous and wealthy than you are. Here are more examples:

1) Do not mention prior medical conditions. Every fighter has fought hurt.

2) Do not say you took the fight on “short notice.” You are a professional and should be ready to step up at any moment.

3) Do not blame the referee for an “early stoppage.” Would you and your doctors have preferred a late stoppage?

4) Do not question the judges’ decision, even if one of them was Cecil Peoples. It’s not like you finished the fight. Besides only Dana White is allowed to bash the judges and you either work for him or wish you did. Keep your mouth shut and hope he bumps up your locker room bonus.

5) Do not blame it on relationship troubles. You are a fighter, and therefore, by definition, the vast majority of women who are attracted to you are promiscuous, damaged, batshit crazy, or all of the above. If you wanted a happy home life you should have gone into real estate…like Chael Sonnen.

(Matt Polly’s next book is coming out soon, which is good because we’ll all need a palate cleanser after Brock Lesner’s gripping DEATH CLUTCH biography.)

  • Razzle says:

    Fantastic article

  • sandstorm says:

    this was a awesome read. always dig your articles, lookin forward to more in the future

  • Jim Harbaugh Scramble says:

    Letitbleu wins the thread. Good post BTW

  • frickshun says:

    Oh Polly, ur a funny little bitch!! I’m gonna allow you to buy me a beer & some wings one day…..

  • Letibleu says:

    I always greatly enjoy Polly’s articles. Ever end up in Montreal once in a while?

  • matthewpolly says:

    Great addition Letibleu. I may have just to have to steal it…and visit Montreal. Apparently I owe some people beers and wings.

  • Letibleu says:

    No stealing needed, it’s yours.

  • Letibleu says:

    Don’t throw your best punch of the fight AFTER the fight.

    Losing to a blanket is bad enough, no need in having Dan Miragliotta hug you like an over-emotional drunk guy at the bar. It can devastate your career and your wallet.

  • subo says:

    So they have Amazon in Canada now?  Small world, man.

  • glassjawsh says:

    “the vast majority of women who are attracted to you are promiscuous, damaged, batshit crazy, or all of the above” – I wasn’t aware there were any other types of women

  • JoeRoganIsAnnoying says:

    “Do not question the judges’ decision, even if one of them was Cecil Peoples.”


    Fightlinker I want my fucking “like” button!

  • Take It Easy says:

    this was terrible never write here again

  • matthewpolly says:

    Might I be so bold as to return the compliment and suggest the same to you, Take It Easy.

  • Take It Easy says:

    get out

  • Predator8u says:

    @matthewpolly… AWESOME post. It had me Smiling all the way through. Dont forget the hybrid of Hold your head in shame with a twist of Sell the post-fight interview. When you just blame the incompetent judge”s” for being incapable of providing a rational call when it’s their JOB… but seriously Mr. Polly what are your thoughts on the current state of MMA judging and how much does it CO$T;)

  • matthewpolly says:

    The judging is horrific and will continue to be until all these old boxing judges/turned MMA judges die off and the Athletic Commission stop being patronage sewers, so basically later and never. The biggest structural problem however is the 10 point must system. It makes a little sense for 10 or 12 round boxing matches, but with only 3 round non-title MMA fights it is just statistically too easy to end up with a draw. Although it would reduce the effectiveness of penalties, I think judges should be forced to choose who won each round without assigning points. It would be simpler and make draws impossible. That’s the whole reason to have an odd number of judges and an odd number of rounds.