twitter google

Lyoto Machida getteth his dicketh suckethed

I usually stick to roasting terrible MMA writing, but I just wanted to point out how hilariously overwritten the following article on Lyoto Machida is:

His name typically rolls off the tongue as if each sound was a misguided footstep. It is not a particularly difficult name, but the problem is no one ever really says it. It is a name attached to one of mixed martial art’s most impressive resumes known but seldom spoken. More and more it finds its way in print, in the air, and wrong or not, everyone is learning it. To be able to know the man behind the name, one must understand thousands of years of history.

The whole damn article is written like that, too. Jesus christ, I’d love to see this guy write a blog about taking a shit:

Tentatively I straddled the bowl, lowering myself onto the seat surface slowly in anticipation of the cold touch of skin to porcelain. Arching back, I reconfigure my cheeks and part the scragly hair growing between them to avoid any feces being caught. I firm my stomach and furrow my brow, pushing out the detritus of my morning breakfast.

Okay, I’m not saying that good writing doesn’t belong in MMA … but there’s a point where it goes from being well written to Ye Olde English court speak. Honestly, this is mixed martial arts, not Shakespeare.

13 COMMENTS
  • Xavier says:

    “To be able to know the man behind the name, one must understand thousands of years of history.”

    Wait… what? Shut up. I want to see someone write that line about a guy named Tex Judd or Jamal Wilkes someday. People only write that lame shit about asian people, so trite.

  • winklepicker says:

    Looks like Jenna’s not the only one with a thesaurus.

  • ajadoniz says:

    “part the scragly hair growing between them to avoid any feces being caught.”

    the devil is in the details… egh.

  • Lifer says:

    “His name typically rolls off the tongue as if each sound was a misguided footstep.”

    I’m not totally sure but I think this entire sentence is an oxymoron.

  • FRANKIE says:

    I don’t think it makes enough sense to be an oxymoron.

  • Zurich says:

    I just burst out laughing at work – GG, Ryan.

  • clint notestine says:

    There used to be people in my high school class that would write like that and it drove my fucking crazy. God damn pretentious bull shit.

  • Gza says:

    Dude writes like Goldberg talks.

  • Captain says:

    I think it’s kind of sexy and suddenly I’m having feelings for Lyoto I never knew existed before.

  • x5BoltMainx says:

    Boo urns!! I read the title & I thought you were going to talk about Lyotos gf giving him head before fights. Instead, you give us this turd. Shame on you!

  • Hattori Hanzo Gracie says:

    about the author….
    “Danny Acosta’s love for combat sports precedes his love for literature and writing. Growing up, Julio Cesar Chavez was a name that brought excitement and pride to the native Californian. But boxing seemed to die for him when Mike Tyson ate its heart. Waiting in limbo–pushing through the boredom of school and adolescence–forced Acosta to develop a Chute Boxe attitude toward life. Upton Sinclair’s “The Jungle” was the catalyst. A love for the written word occupied the San Franciscan.”

  • He is MMA’s Jack Kerouac

  • hahaha that was some major asslicking!!

Archives