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Luke Cummo suspended by Ohio Athletic Commission

UFC fighter Luke Cummo has been suspended three months for failing a random drug test administered by the Ohio Athletic Commission. The test, conducted after his loss against Luigi Fioravanti at Saturday’s UFC 82 event, showed that Cummo had extremely elevated caffeine levels beyond anything the commission had ever seen before.

“Normally we don’t pay that much attention to the level of caffeine in a fighter’s blood,” said OAC commissioner Warren Petty. “But Luke Cummo’s readings were off the chart. At first we thought there must be a mistake with the test, but follow ups showed that our original findings were accurate. This guy must have been tripping balls in the Octagon.”

Athletic Commission standards allow a fighter to have up to 800mg of caffeine in their system. Luke Cummo is said to have over 23,000mg in his system during the post fight test. In his defense, Luke Cummo released the following statement explaining the test results:

Before the fight I pumped three litres of coffee up my rectum as part of an enema to break up persistent gallstones. Never did I imagine that a procedure I perform on myself regularly would result in my suspension. While I am disappointed at the narrow mindedness of the OAC and it’s inability to recognize the benefits of drinking urine and performing coffee enemas, I accept their ruling.

Cummo’s agent Ken Pavia was angered to hear the news of his client’s suspension. “It’s terrible, just terrible. No one takes better care of themselves than Luke Cummo. He eats nothing but mud and sticks, for God’s sake. For the OAC to suspend him because he likes to put stuff up his ass is absurd. If they’re going to suspend every fighter who does that, there won’t be anyone left to compete.”

When asked for his comment on the latest suspension, UFC president Dana White said “He put what up his where? Are you fucking serious???”