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Ludwig awarded UFC’s fastest KO by UFC, not NSAC

It looks like Duane “Bang” Ludwig will no longer have to ask for signatures of random losers on Facebook so that his knockout of Jonathan Goulet almost six years ago can be recognized as the UFC’s fastest ever. The adulation-hungry Ludwig was informed on Saturday via the post-Myspace home of Internet attention whoring, Twitter, that the UFC is changing the official time of his 2006 fight to four seconds. This means that we all have newfound respect for him as a ninja and love him with every part of our bodies, especially our peepees. According to BleacherReport, Ludwig was thrilled that he is now THE MAN:

“One of my students, Blake, actually texted me on Christmas Eve saying, ‘Congrats,’” Ludwig, 33, recently explained to Bleacher Report. “I said, ‘Thank you, but congrats on what?’ Blake texted back, saying that Mr. Dana White tweeted me saying, ‘For (Christmas), you have the fastest KO in UFC history and it will be changed ASAP.’

“I said, ‘Thank you,’ pulled up Twitter and (saw) Mr. White’s tweet and was so happy. I screamed, ‘F yeah!’ pretty loud and tweeted Mr. White back, saying, ‘Thank you!’ I started texting a few people like my wife, Bas Rutten, my manager, Sven Bean and a few others. I replied to a few tweets and was just so happy.”

Unfortunately for Ludwig, his goal of being universally worshiped will not be completely realized, as the NSAC has concluded after lengthy consultations with its lawyers that the four seconds of the Ludwig-Goulet fight is REQUIRED to carry the legal name “11 seconds” from now until the apocalypse. Yes, that’s right, America has strayed so far from its “Land of the Free” moniker that even time itself is imprisoned by the the red tape of government bureaucracy. That’s it, I’m off to join Jeff Monson.

Ludwig would also probably prefer to ignore the fact that an officially-recognized two-second knockout happened when Ryohei Masuda met Takahiro Kuroishi in a &feature=player_embedded#%21″ target=”_blank”>2008 RINGS fight. But whatever. Duane is such a ninja that we probably can’t even see his tears fall before they run off to slash someone’s throat somewhere. The Ludwig-Goulet fight can be seen here.

  • Monstrosity says:

    saw the fight live. one of the funniest fights ever. the way his face skids on the mat on the way down. fucking classic.

  • glassjawsh says:

    exactly how drunk were you when you wrote this?

    this has the cadence of something said from a bar stool.

    it made my face hole giggle

  • kwagnuth says:

    Goulet also deserves a thank you for supplying one of the weakest chins in the history of the UFC. Without weak chins these records would not be where they are today. I beleive Goulet gave us numerous flash knockouts in his UFC carreer and I will never forget. Thank you Jonathan Goulet thank you, you magnificient cunt.

  • Boog says:

    See also: Chris Clements’ KO in Quebec a few years back.

  • Letibleu says:

    He relied too much on his evil eye instead of training. An evil eye can only take you so far in the cage.

  • iamphoenix says:


  • dick says:

    jawsh: not drunk at all, just serious time pressure from my beloved test tubes at work. I’m an expert at mocking people who beg for attention and recognition on social networking sites. I prefer to shag my attention from this place.

  • CAP says:

    Sweet now I can put my Duane “Bang” poster back up!!

  • iamphoenix says:

    lol went to to check it out because it’s on his shorts. Go to fight results and it says check back Sunday august 3rd for results. and in 2011 august 3rd was on a wednesday.