Oh yeah, Mike Goldberg gives us a very special introduction to TUF. Feels kinda like Captain Kirk setting up a segment of Rescue 9-1-1.
Good thing the UFC bought Strikeforce otherwise they wouldn’t have much Mayhem footage to show. As it is, Jason’s highlight reel includes a lot of takedowns, that ‘almost choke’ against Jake Shields, and getting his ass kicked by GSP.
TUF mixing things up by bringing all the fighters into the Mandalay Bay instead of the TUF training center.
Five minutes in and we already have several nominees for the Douchiest Fighter Haircut Ever award. Another guy has one of those magic bracelets. So the intelligence level of the group seems like it’s somewhere between block of wood and bag of hair right now.
And the fights begin! Go after the jump for all the fun!
Josh Ferguson vs Casey Dyer: Jeez, who’s fake ID did Casey Dyer use to get on this show? Kid looks 14 years old. And he’s capable of impregnating someone? Insanity. Fortunately he won’t be staying away from his spawn for long since my favorite redneck Christian Josh Ferguson wiped the cage with him. A quick KO start for this season of TUF!
Diego Brandao vs Jesse Newell: I don’t know what I liked more, Diego’s flying smash fist finish or his crazy rant about THIS BEING FUCKIN TUF YEAH YEAH WOOOO! That’s one unstable Brazilian in the house. The more the merrier!
John Dodson vs Brandon Merkt: John Dodson’s got a great body shot, killer flips, and nice teeth. Nuff said!
Dennis Bermudez vs Jimmie Rivera: Dennis’s encouragement: hatred of bitches. Didn’t Yoda say something about that kinda thing leading to the dark side? As far as Jimmie Rivera is concerned, he just jinxed himself by saying ‘He’ll have to kill me to stop me.’ In TUF, this usually means he’s about to lose via embarrassing beatdown.
Round 1! After nearly knocking Dennis out, Jimmie hitches onto him like a carriage and rides him around the octagon for a few minutes. Fortunately for Dennis, Jimmie seems more interested in piggy back rides than finishing the fight with his superior striking. Round 1 is in the books with Jimmie in the lead.
Silent arena makes me feel like we’re in Japan. The most prominent sound is the air conditioning unit. Mayhem and Bisping are so quiet you could hear a mouse piss on cotton (thanks Chael). When are they gonna bring Joe Rogan in to keep the conversation flowing between Dana and the coaches?
Round 2 starts! Dennis is so surprised he dropped Jimmie at the beginning of the second that he almost soccer kicks the guy’s head into the bleachers. Now he’s the one on piggy back patrol. He flattens Jimmie out and finishes him off with some He-Man double jackhammer punches.
BJ Ferguson vs Rolande Delorme: BJ is the other half of the Kentucky Jesus Brother duo. Based on this and his beard alone, I want him to win. Even a Bad Boy tattoo cannot lessen my sudden mancrush for this guy. Unfortunately it was not to be – while Delorme looks milktoast compared to BJ, he’s got some jitz and ties BJ up like an Owentown hog.
I feel better about not knowing any of these guys names now that it’s been established Dana and the coaches have no idea either. “I like this guy there.” “Black shorts dude is pretty good.
Marcus Brimage vs Bryson Wailehua-Hansen: Bryson makes Hawaii sound like one giant fight club. Strange, I thought it was all pig roasts and beach bumming. He can fight though … round 1 is all Bryson controlling Brimage. The only thing Brimage has is some half decent punches from shitty positions.
Things change when Marcus hits Bryson with a knee that was a cunthair away from being crazy illegal. From there it’s all Marcus swinging hard and making these amusing girly noises as he lights up Bryson. Insane that Bryson took that shit. Hawaiians have some of the hardest skulls in the universe.
Round 2 starts and Marcus continues the assault, to the point that Steve Mazzagatti has to stop the fight while both guys are still standing. Bryson might be unhappy about it now but his brain will thank him down the road. Christ.
Carson Beebe vs Johnny Bedford: Chase Beebe’s little brother gets his chance to shine. Johnny Bedford gets a chance to model dumb lookin’ bandanas. The fight starts with some sweet scrambles that culminate with Bedford faceplanting Beebe with a throw. I don’t know who’s corner it is, but one of em has a billion expressions. “Bait and bite!” “Cowpush it!” Better than saying shit your opponents will understand, I guess.
The fight ends when Bedford realizes he’s got the striking advantage and just starts to let go. Another nearly illegal kick to Bebee followed by a crazy scramble / choke and Bedfort takes it. Some sweet gif action to be had in that faceplant toss + choke. As much I wanna punch Bedford in his Ashton Kutcher lookin face, I gotta admit the guy’s got some skill.
Dustin Pague vs Tateki Matsuda: Over-educated MMA fans probably already got spoiled in this one as Matsuda recently showed up on a Bellator card. You know it’s a boring fight when the clock disappears and you start noticing tiny signs like OMG THIS FIGHT AS BEEN EDITED! After two rounds that should have gone to a draw, the judges give it to the white boy. No affirmative action for TUF this season as Dustin Pague sends Matsuda packing.
Paul McVeigh vs Louis Gaudinot: Paul calls himself the #1 bantamweight in Europe. Louis looks like Ronald McDonald fucked the Joker. Once again, astute MMA fans might know who wins this fight based on the fact that ALL THE COMMERCIALS FOR TUF HAVE FEATURED THE DUDE WITH NEON GREEN HAIR RUNNING AROUND THE HOUSE.
We go to straight up highlights. McVeigh vs Gaudinot is the battle of the bad hair. Round 1 is pretty easy but in round 2 the scourge of England, wrasslin, comes into play and Greeny takes that one. From there Eric Marriot vs Bryan Caraway is a stinker as Caraway lay’n’prays his way into the house. Josh Cloptop vs Dustin Neace is another fight where they play it like Dustin rides top control to undeserved victory. And this is where Bryan and Dustin shift uncomfortably on the couch as they watch this episode with their families.
Matt Jaggers vs TJ Dillashaw: Very brave of Matt to declare his homosexuality with the gayest striped tank top this side of the navy. Ooooh, his opponent TJ Dillashaw is from Urijah Faber’s Team Alpha Male. Not a good sign for Jaggers.
Dillashaw’s got some strange ducking moves taht are gonna end up getting him kicked right in the face. He’s also keeps his hands low, that’s gonna get him punched right in the face too. Long story short, he’s a face beatin’ waiting to happen. But it didn’t happen tonight. After some sloppy brawling, TJ gets things onto the ground and beats Jaggers senseless as the horn sounds for the end of round 1.
Steven Siler vs Micah Miller: Shit, it’s another Miller brother! Micah is Cole Miller’s little brother and we’ll see if that helps him more than being Chase Beebe’s brother helped Carson Beebe. One thing is for sure: Micah knows how to cut a promo. “And here … tonight … on the TUF premiere … I will defeat my opponent. I may not know who he is … but he knows who I am!” Oh yeah. All we need is some fireworks going off while Micah pumps his crotch and we got ourselves a WWE superstar in the making!
Dana White crosses Siler out on his little clipboard even before the fight starts. It turns out to be premature as Siler pulls off the upset and catches Miller in a choke in round 3. We’re back to highlights only. John Albert vs Orville Smith sees Albert ignoring his corner and pissing off the coaches by taking the fight to the ground when he had it won on the feet. He still wins via choke so there we go. Karsten Lindjoint vs Stephen Bass ends with Bass catching Karsten in a triangle. And with Bass we now have our goofy accented fighter in the house. He talks like a leprechaun!
Brain Pearman vs Akira Corassani: Akira is a self proclaimed artist. He paints his brutal fight style on his opponent’s face. Brain Pearman is Taylor Lautner’s ugly cousin, and his style is eating bombs until his brain finally smartens up and shuts everything down. Maybe him and that hard headed Hawaiian can go at it some time, just to guarantee both dudes have brain damage. And Akira has an … ‘interesting’ personality. After grumbling something about coming from the streets, he tries to squirt Jason Miller with a water bottle. That’s how he rolls, holmes! Bam, you be wet, bitch.
Aaaaaand that’s it! We go back to the same promo they showed during the Battle on the Bayou. It’s barking, silly string, and donkeys all the way to the finals, baby! Thanks for coming and checking out this liveblog, make sure to comment if you dug it!