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If you’ve ever wanted to read an extremely detailed account of Hulk Hogan having sex, this is your lucky day…

This doesn’t really have anything to do with MMA, but I figure if I have to talk about Batista and Brock Lesnar and Kurt Angle, then by Thor I get to share an extremely detailed and explicit breakdown Gawker just put up of Hulk Hogan’s sex tape (along with highlights from the video itself … while it lasts):

Hulk strips down. His tan line is exposed and his hairline is vulnerable and silly without the do-rag, but there is sex to be had regardless. Hulk must get hard, though, and the woman is eager to make that happen. Her fellatio is successful and Hulkamania is about to run wild on her but then his cell phone rings and he thinks it might be his son, Nick. The ringtone on Hulk Hogan’s phone is a song by his daughter, Brooke Hogan called “About Us” featuring Paul Wall. He is a proud father.

But Hulk checks the caller and does not want to talk that person at all. “Fuck no,” he says.

“You got a rubber? I want you to climb on top of me,” Hulk repeats, but not as sexy as it was the first time, which she didn’t hear. Yes, she does have a rubber. Then we watch Hulk stand up and clumsily attempt to roll a condom on to his erect penis which, even if it has been ravaged by steroids and middle-age, still appears to be the size of a thermos you’d find in a child’s lunchbox. Hulk hurls his massive body on to the canopy bed and the woman climbs on top, finally, and they begin. There is lots of squealing and moaning from her and she says stuff like, “I want to make you cum” and, “Your dick feels so good inside me”—that sort of thing. There is light spanking from Hulk done to show he supports her efforts and is close to orgasming.

And so on and so forth for 20 paragraphs of Hulkster non-fiction erotica. Looks like fans of Hogan now have something better than this to jump start their fantasies: