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How to compete with K-1

The folks over at K-1 decided that something was missing from their NYE Dynamite show. After weeks of trying to figure out exactly how to perfect the event, the management team went on a three-day long sake and mushroom bender. The result, you ask? Bob Sapp against Kinniku Mantaro — who just happens to be a fucking cartoon character. Seriously. I am not Jamie Kennedy so no, you have not been “X’ed” — this is for serious.

A bunch of other sites have already covered this in about as much depth as you can cover a former NFL linemen fighting a cartoon character for a legitimate fighting organization so I won’t waste your time. What I am going to do instead is make a few suggestions as to how the North American MMA organizations can compete. After all, the booking of this fight is probably the single biggest occurence for the sport since TUF1. Organizations like the UFC and Strikeforce can keep up with those radical thinkers over in K-1 or they can choose to get left behind in the dust.

Your move, boys. Let’s see how big those cajones really are. Dana, put your pants back on. I was talking figuratively.

After the jump, the top 10 potential match-ups that would “out-silly” K-1.

10. Brock Lesnar vs. “>The Golden Girls

Let’s see what Brock is really made of. Sure, he punched Heath Herring so hard that Herring practically flipped over and TKO’ed the legendary Randy Couture, but how would he handle this fearsome foursome? Would Brock’s wrestling be enough to counter Blanche’s flexibility? I’ve heard she can get her leg over her head. Would his mammoth sized hands be big enough to cover Dorothy’s mouth once she starts blabbering about Pat Sajak’s lovely suits? This would be one for the ages.

9. Joe Rogan vs. Wesley Snipes

This was actually rumored to happen years ago but Snipes supposedly backed out when he found out that the former Man Show host had a legitimate Brazilian jiu-jitsu background. Better late than never. Snipes would have to show up in full Blade garb, of course.

8. Jon Fitch (blindfolded) vs. A malnourished grizzly

No matter how you try to spin the situation, Fitch is not exactly on the good side of UFC management compared to a guy like Kenny Florian, who is a consistent company man. Fitch would have very little chance to win (or even survive) but, shit, I would totally shell out the $45 for a pay-per-view if this was included on the broadcast. We’re in a recession and soon the UFC is going to have to resort to new ways to attract viewers. Fitch vs. hungry bear would have to be an option.

7. Gina Carano vs. Drew Peterson

Gina was ranked in the top 5 women of 2008 for Yahoo! or some bullshit like that. Drew Peterson is the guy who is a suspect in both the murder of his third wife and the disappearance of his fourth wife. He’s also currently re-marrying. I can’t get a girl to come within ten feet of me yet this guy kills females on the regular and more keep lining up. Gina Carano could make a statement for the entire female sex: we’re not taking yo’ shit no mo’ Drew.

6. David Spade vs. Kevin James – Loser fights Anderson Silva

Do I need to say anything here? Between Paul Blart and the majority of Spade’s work, I think it’s safe to say that Silva beating the shit out of either of these guys would sell tickets.

5. Shane Carwin vs. Hornswoggle

Carwin’s a 270 pound beast of a man. Hornswoggle is a midget leprechaun. “Let’s get it on!”

4. Ken Shamrock vs. Joseph “Blue” Palasky

Blue was the old guy from Old School who tried to stay young by partying it up undergrad-style with Vince Vaughn. Shamrock was the old guy from those crazy Ultimate Cockfighting pay-per-views who tried to stay young by stepping into the cage with Tito Ortiz. Both failed miserably.

3. Mask vs. Punkass vs. Skyscrape – Roman Gladiator Rules

Gladiator rules basically mean these guys have to fight to the death. Chances are, if one of them survives, we’ll just release a bloodthirsty lion on him to make sure we don’t have to deal with these fuckheads anymore. I’m all for “helping to grow the sport” but that doesn’t mean you have to wear silly clothes and stupid glasses to do it. Just ask Tom Atencio. Shit, that’s probably not the best example.

2. Dave Kaplan vs. Tom Lawlor – Piss Drinking Contest

Wait, what? This already happened? You guys have the footage and are just holding out on us to not piss off the advertisers? Fuck, give it up.

1. Anderson Silva vs. Patrick Cote II

This is the one fight even more unnecessary than Sapp v. the cartoon guy. Silva beat the poor guy with mind bullets, for shit’s sake.