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  It's no secret that the man formerly known as Jon Koppenhaver ain't that bright. You don't legally change your name to War Machine if you have any semblance of intelligence. My mom works with retarded kids and I had her ask Billy the Shit Eater, who eats his own shit, what he thought of such a name change and Billy the Shit Eater said, with a mouthful of shit, "That is the dumbest fucking thing I've ever heard." But this is old news, as is "The Human Punch Line" getting the boot from the UFC for his disparaging comments about the late Evan Tanner and turning down a fight against Brandon Wolff. He turned down the Wolff fight because all of his "friends" said Wolff was "savage" and "sick." Don't worry though, War Machine. I always thought it was a good idea when starting a new job to make unsettling comments about recently deceased employees and to turn down potentially difficult tasks, too. Fucktard. By the way, Wolff didn't look too "savage" or "sick" when he ate about 45 knees to the dome courtesy of the "Killa B" Ben Saunders. Don't you look even sillier now, Mr. Machine? This is just cannon fodder for the real joke: the contents of War Machine's MySpace. Do not click the link if you are faint of heart as viewing the page will likely cause you to laugh so hard that you shit, puke, and cry all at the same time -- which is essentially what happens after women see me naked. Highlights after the jump. War Machine not revealing his real age but instead letting the ladies know he's both witty and up-front: 69 years old War Machine letting us know what type of people don't exactly tickle his fancy: I hate fake people, liars too...so if ur one of them, KILL YOURSELF! (note: When he accused Evan Tanner of committing suicide, was he also claiming Tanner was a liar? So many questions...) War Machine letting us know he's an independent spirit: I DO WHAT THE FUCK I WANT TO DO AND CAN CARE LESS WHAT ANYONE THINKS OF ME...IM A LEADER. War Machine letting us know what he thinks about higher education: NO, I DONT HAVE A BACK-UP PLAN...THEY ARE FOR LOSERS AND QUITTERS. THEY SET YOU UP FOR FAILURE. (note: This is puzzling because it also says he graduated from the Citadel with a major in Biology. I bet anyone a case of beer that he majored in Bio so he could tell girls he knew all about the human body and, unlike most guys, knew where to find the clit .) War Machine getting philosophical: REAL WAR IS FOUGHT BETWEEN THOSE WHO KNOW AND HATE EACHOTHER. ANYONE WHO HAS EXPERIENCED THIS...KNOWS ITS BEAUTY. War Machine on his plans for mass genocide: I'd like to meet the person who invented "civilization" and then kill all of his descendants. (note: It appears as though we're dealing with a villain on the same level of smarts as Dr. Evil or the Home Alone guys. His plan for world destruction would likely include knocking the world out of orbit with a weapon he purchased on eBay.) Long story short, this guy is a goddamn idiot. I am surprised he is capable of tying his shoes in the morning and wiping his own ass so how he has been able to put together a moderately successful career in MMA is mind boggling. The fact that this guy probably gets laid on the regular while I spend my nights jerking it with sandpaper makes me even angrier.  How did his fight with Mike Dolce go? Wasn't he supposed to fight that guy at a local show and get "paid"?  Sandpaper? Butter's in the fridge.  lol his myspace also says that he's a Buddhist and makes between 75-100K a year  Did you know he released a book?[Link]  Majoring in Biology goes perfectly with his idea that backup plans are useless, since you can't actually get a job with a BS in Biology.I know a girl who's getting her Master's in Biology, and even she doesn't know what she'll be able to do with it. I believe there are several bands out there who are primarily comprised of Bio major dropouts. Seems popular! Judging his writing, I'd say War Machine's true passion is English and grammar. I think his true passion is Narcisim  I'd go with quantum physics, which he lists as one of his interests. Surprisingly enough, even if he didn't have that listed, I would have guessed it anyway. The first thing that comes to my mind when a person says "I HATE FAKE PEOPLE. FAG." is "This guy must be into quantum physics."  I'm actually surprised he got a degree in Biology. While as a standalone major, it can be hard to find a job, most people I know use it as a segue into Med School.What shocks me is that he graduated from Citadel. None of the military academies are easy and from what I hear, the living conditions at Citadel suck ass. Not to mention, they don't take shit at any of the academies (maybe except for Coast Guard), so given his "independent" streak, I'm surprised that he not only was literate enough to get a degree, but wasn't kicked out of Citadel.  I'm sad to say that I read most of that site... he lists College as "Not Completed," and attended The Citadel between 2000 and 2003. So he probably finished three years of a four year BSc and then got kicked out. For those of you who are shocked to see that he made it that far, you must remember that Colleges and Universities are largely for-profit institutions; you have to try really, really, really hard to get kicked out for academic deficiency. As an example, at my well-ranked, national-level University, if you fail a course, they spot you 40%, no matter what. You have to score below 50% on average in order to be placed on academic probation, and all that requires is that you get above 55% the next year to be out of probation. By those standards, you could get 20% in three courses, and 65% in two bird courses and not even get probation. Your degree will take forever to finish, but they get your moneysss$$Zzz. Also: www.warmachinemma.com Ok, finishing three years is a lot more believable than graduating. Still, Citadel is a military academy. If it's anything like the Air Force, Naval, Army or the Coast Guard academies, the tuition and related college expenses are paid for by the government, and if you flunk out or get kicked out, they make you retroactively pay for the years that you've attended.  "Butter's in the fridge. "remember, ryan can't afford butter because not enough of us buy stars Read his last blog entry its touching.  I'm sorry but no way. The Citadel is an elite university and the only way to get in is to have a congressman or senator vouch for you. It's harder to get into the Citadel than Harvard. War Machine only attended the Citadel in his wet dreams. Nevermind. I assumed the Citadel is up there with Annapolis and West Point. It's not and is inferior to the Army, Air Force and Navy. I still doubt he got accepted it there though.  War machine is a leader in his owne mind and he is his only follower. Check it out. This shithead was probably kicked out of the Citadel for jackassery and bafoonery and told that he was not a leader and not cut out for this shit. Now all he does is walk around with his chest out saying he's his own man and no one (not even the military) can tell him what to do. He's his own man. He loves war (but not the kind you're thinking about -- you know, the made up kind we're you walk around with grenade tattoos but generally frown upon actual war). DOUUUUUUCCCHEEEEE BAAAAGGGGGG
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