twitter google

FIVEBOLT!! If you do live in

Home Forums Never-Ending Threads Made/Ruined Your Day FIVEBOLT!! If you do live in



FIVEBOLT!! If you do live in that area….I’ve done the work for you & scoped out a couple of places. Since I assume you have a bit of disposable income (considering you live @ home), I avoided any chain places as that screams “teenager”. Never set foot in those places….until you have children. These 2 places are mid-range prices (by NY standards). So as long as you don’t kill it w/drinks (DON’T) or eat your fat asses off w/multiple appetizers (DON’T), then the bill will be reasonable. Here are my choices & then some follow-up advice so you don’t fucking wreck it:

1) –>This place looks super cool but only open til 9pm? You may want to check on it. It may just be that the kitchen closes then, in which case, it’s all good. Otherwise, you could do a 7pm dinner there & use that to springboard into a nice stroll somewhere. Their menu is varied but not bourgeois. Their desserts look FABULOUS. Seriously, that’s the time when the chick decides if she’ll let you fuck her in the ass/blow you in the car.
2) –>Well now I understand the “hours” thing since this place only rocks out til fucking 8:30pm (FUCKING MORMONS). Anyway, this is a more traditional restaurant (which I don’t like for a 1st date). This option is only if you don’t want to look “too kewl” w/the 1st choice. Menu is varied & similarly priced. The desserts are kinda pedestrian but whatevs. Creme Brulee is always good (& light on the stomach so she won’t be too full to swallow your babies).

Here’s the advice, faggot:
1) Don’t go to dinner starving!! Dinner is about conversation, not stuffing your dumb fucking face.
2) Pick 1 app & split it. It’s more intimate to taste the same thing & discuss but not too intimate as long as it’s pre-cut or already in individual pieces. If she wants a 2nd app….LOOK OUT (A WHALE, in your future).
3) Assuming you drink, take it SLOW. Sip your drink. Don’t pound them!! 2 reasons: a) EXPENSIVE b) You want to make a good impression w/your wit, not by holding her hair back when she pukes in the back seat of the Lincoln.
4) Avoid anything w/garlic & onions (self-explanatory, no?).
5) Order something you can eat w/utensils. Picking up a burger & taking wild animal bites is not attractive to watch. Unless you’re down for a veggie/portabella burger. In that case, it screams “I’m sensitive & care about the planet/health” (which is a good thing even if she’s not).
6) After the main course, go take a piss. Yes, you may need to actually urinate. More importantly….CHECK YOUR FUCKING TEETH. No chick wants to see a poppy seed or broccoli in your god damned fangs. Also check your gay outfit & make sure everything is still in order!!
7) Leave room for dessert by eating light. THE MEAL IS ABOUT DESSERT, DICKFACE!! Not only should you get an interesting dessert, try to convince her to do the same. This will be the time you will know if she’s into you. If she starts offering you some of her dessert….off of her fork, then she’s obviously not scared of your cooties & is DTF (down to fornicate, idiotboy).
8) Please for the love of god almighty, put a decent outfit together. No, you shouldn’t wear a Neon Genesis Evangelion tee. No, you shouldn’t wear brown shoes & khakis. No, you shouldn’t wear white tube socks (please burn those). It’s okay to wear a tee but throw a cool light jacket or a cardigan over it. Please don’t wear anything baggy, you fucking dunce. If you wear sneaks, make sure they’re not some fucking Jordans or dumb Air Max ’95’s. Get some mellow, street type kicks. If you wear shoes (not a big fan of on casual dates), PUT ON SOME BOOTS. Nothing shiny, the most distressed looking the better. Ah…forget it!! You don’t own a stitch of decent clothing. You should probably bail on this whole date.