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Forrest Griffin’s book out Tuesday

Forrest Griffin has a book coming out called Got Fight? and fortunately for us it’s NOT about his boring life story. Apparently this book is more Maddox meets MMA than anything else, as you can see from the following excerpt on how to be tough:

5) Make sure you write the word fighter as your occupation on ALL legal documents. This includes lease agreements, health plans, or the application for your brand- new job at Jiffy Lube. Word to the wise: only NON- posers write self-employed.

6) This book, Got Fight? (available now online and in your favorite local bookstore, including, but not limited to: Amazon .com, Borders, Barnes & Noble, Fred’s Deli, Xandi’s fish market on the corner of thirty- third and Twelfth near the old rusted Dumpster, you know the one . . . where Sheila works? Ahhh . . . Magic Lips Sheila . . . Anyway . . .), must be in your hands at all times, and when in public, you want to open it up and pretend to read. This will cause hot, really dumb chicks to come up to you and ask if you fight, because these fine specimens are overly dumb and will sleep with you. If you can indeed throw down, you should clap my book shut, throw it aside, and say, “That guy don’t have nothing to offer about fighting I don’t already know. Wanna see my grenade tattoo?”

7) Finally, and perhaps the most dangerous of all, make sure to pronounce the word jujitsu in your fanciest Portuguese accent. (Sarcasm aside, because you bought this book, I like you and will maintain that position until you do some stupid homoerotic prank shit like they do on The Ultimate Fighter, so a serious word to the wise— and the stupid: when in the presence of a true Brazilian, do NOT try to pronounce this sacred word in such a fashion, as you will receive an expeditious ass- whoopin’ that you had not previously thought physically possible— I present Mr. Wanderlei Silva, the Axe Murderer—get it?)

Punctuation and spacing issues aside, this looks like an entertaining book, which is fortunate because if I had to read one more book about the author hanging out with Pat Miletich, I was gonna blow my head off with a shotgun.

Got Fight comes out this Tuesday. We’d review it then, but I guess the publisher figured people visiting Fightlinker aren’t big on reading someone’s humorous take on mixed martial arts. For now, here’s the rest of the above excerpt for your Sunday reading leisure.

If You Want to Appear Tough, You Only Need to Accomplish Six Things

1) Get some letters shaved into your hair, all the way down to the scalp, and then have your stylist, Roy, finish off your do with a fabulous multicolor dye job! (Happy Ending optional ? [fighters love emoticons].)

2) Acquire a number of those really cool tattoos that everyone has: barbed- wire armbands (you know, the ones that chicks got in 1995?), a really scary skull, or simply have your name (or the nickname that your gang gave you when you jumped in on the super mean streets of Malibu) inked on with that really hard-looking calligraphy- type stencil stuff. The grenade on the side of the neck is always good, but putting one on your biceps is just as good as long as you wear a Tap Out tank top. FYI, biceps tattoos look really cool when your gunboats are all swollen from blasting out curls.

3) Some sort of fight- related T-shirt. If you don’t have one, then you need a T-shirt that has something to do with guns—HK, PROTECTED BY GLOCK, something that will most definitely strike fear into the hearts of men at a glance. As an added bonus, you might want to throw in some leather wristbands or at least something wristband- looking, like a watch with a really wide strap— a Swatch on a wristband! There ya go.

4) A number of noticeable body piercings. (If they are unnoticeable, like a Prince Albert, then you are gross.) Although the majority of real fighters don’t have piercings because they get ripped out during training, the fans don’t take the time to think of this occupational hazard, allowing you (the would- be contender) to sport these tantalizing, first- strike targets to any of us who might actually engage you in a brawl.

5) Make sure you write the word fighter as your occupation on ALL legal documents. This includes lease agreements, health plans, or the application for your brand- new job at Jiffy Lube. Word to the wise: only NON- posers write self- employed.

6) This book, Got Fight? (available now online and in your favorite local bookstore, including, but not limited to: Amazon .com, Borders, Barnes & Noble, Fred’s Deli, Xandi’s fish market on the corner of Thirty- third and Twelfth near the old rusted Dumpster, you know the one . . . where Sheila works? Ahhh . . . Magic Lips Sheila . . . Anyway . . .), must be in your hands at all times, and when in public, you want to open it up and pretend to read. This will cause hot, really dumb chicks to come up to you and ask if you fight, because these fine specimens are overly dumb and will sleep with you. If you can indeed throw down, you should clap my book shut, throw it aside, and say, “That guy don’t have nothing to offer about fighting I don’t already know. Wanna see my grenade tattoo?”

7) Finally, and perhaps the most dangerous of all, make sure to pronounce the word jujitsu in your fanciest Portuguese accent. (Sarcasm aside, because you bought this book, I like you and will maintain that position until you do some stupid homoerotic prank shit like they do on The Ultimate Fighter, so a serious word to the wise— and the stupid: when in the presence of a true Brazilian, do NOT try to pronounce this sacred word in such a fashion, as you will receive an expeditious ass- whoopin’ that you had not previously thought physically possible— I present Mr. Wanderlei Silva, the Axe Murderer—get it?)

8) Even if you say you’re going to list six things, like I did above, always list more. The fact that you’ve lost your ability to count is verification enough that you are a fighter. And if your list mixes numbers and letters in the way it’s organized—as in item 1, item b— most people will think you once held a championship belt of some sort.

The Definitive Definition That Defines a Douche Bag

One day, while I was supposed to be writing down some intelligent sh*t to put into this book, I took a cruise to the store and noticed all these stupid- ass numbers on the back of high- end cars—e46 m3, e83 x3, e320. None of the numbers made any sense, but it got me thinking about the people who can recite each car model and how much each costs. It took but a few seconds for me to classify them as major douche bags. Then I started thinking about other types of people who could fall into the douche- bag category. The list grew too long to put into this book, so I’ve only included the top six (if you’re wondering, Why six? Why not ten or fifty? you’re a round- number- loving douche bag). If you happen to do any of the things that are on this list, I hate to say it, but you’re grade-A, brother.

1) If you always buy a specific brand of hair- care product, such as a cream or gel, and refuse to use anything else, you’re a smelly douche bag.

2) If you have a person who waxes you, and you’re not a professional swimmer, you’re an overflowing douche bag.

3) If you’ve driven a Hummer outside of the military, you’re a sergeant douche bag. If you’re a chick who drives a Hummer, you’re a douche baguette.

4) If you do things to people while driving that you wouldn’t do while standing in a line, you’re a f*cking douche bag. Airport lines don’t count because pretty much everyone does foul sh*t at the airport. But if you do things driving that you wouldn’t regularly do in a line, such as cut someone off or give him the bird, I hate you. When I’m rolling around with my big, goofy, gangly ass, hip- hopping because one leg is shorter than the other, which makes me look like a seventies pimp with a severe case of polio, people don’t tend to f*ck with me. But in a car, man, everyone acts so tough. Could it be because I drive a beat- up Scion?

5) If you regularly carry condoms on you, you’re a douche bag. Unless you’re Chuck Liddell, you don’t need to walk around with condoms. I mean, come on, really? You carry condoms?

6) If you’ve ever tried to pick up a chick in church, you’re not a douche bag, but you’re going to hell. It’s admirable, but you’re taking a trip south when your ticket is up.

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