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Fightlinker UFC 77 Roadtrip, part 1

Friday October 19th, Noon

Aloha from sunny central west Ohio. We are now on hour 18 of our 20 hour journey from Montreal to Cincinnati to see UFC 77, and thus far the trip has been pretty painful. We knew going into this that the bus was welfare, but we didn’t realize how lame and stupid the majority of the people who rode it were.

Montreal -> Toronto trip highlights:
Some homeless guy brewing a sweat stew under his poncho sleeping in front of us. About three hours into the trip he took off his ‘shoes’ and put his feet up on the window sill. Delightful.

The dumbest old bitch in the world who was sitting in the front seet holding up the bus at every stop. Every time we’d roll into a station, she’d get up and rummage through her 15 shopping bags, keeping anyone from being able to get on or off the bus.

As a result of these two morons (security got on the bus at one point to hassle the homeless guy – thank God transients are treated like shit), we came within 10 minutes of missing our 1AM connecting bus to Detroit. This would have been kinda horrific as we would have then been stuck overnight in the Toronto bus station. So the last two hours of this trip was spent wishing AIDS on the people who were slowing us down and contemplating which corner of the bus station would be safest to sleep in.

Fortunately we made it with 5 minutes to spare, and even a last second issue with our tickets (“You can’t use Greyhound Canada tickets on a Greyhound US bus! Go get them reprinted”), we made it on the bus.

Toronto -> Detroit
We were the only white people on this bus. This was the easiest 6 hours of the trip because I managed to sleep through most of it. But every time we’d stop at a station, the people getting off would manage to hit me in the face with their bags or elbows. One girl practically hip checked me with her fat ass. I love how everyone is so considerate.

Detroit -> Ohio
We asked a taxi driver at the Detroit bus station where to go for breakfast and he gave us directions to a Burger King in the ghetto. I stopped counting the mini-bottles of liquor strewn across the sidewalk after a while … it looked like a mini-bar service truck had exploded or something. Fortunately for us, gang bangers aren’t up at 7am on a Friday morning (surprising since the word METH was spray painted on so many buildings we walked past) so we managed to get back to the bus station with no problems.

We slept most of the way to the first rest stop, where we got an opportunity to buy some steamy beefy taco melts from Taco Bell. If you didn’t know, Taco Bell is banned in Quebec because of the quality of thier meats. I’ve wanted to try one of those taco melts since we were bainwashed by the ads during The Ultimate Fighter season premiere, and it didn’t dissapoint. At this point, Burger King + Taco Bell is starting to make my stomach feel queasy. The solution? A 500 calorie Payday bar and a Rockstar energy drink.

We just rolled out of Lima, Ohio, which has to be the most depressing town in the state. Half the buildings are boarded up, but apparently that doesn’t mean they’re condemned because there are people sitting out on the front patios of these places. The whole fucking town could use a coat of paint … it looks like there was a ban on fixing broken windows or repairing structural damage for the past 15 years.

More coming up!

  • Zurich says:

    So what you mean to say is, Canada > U.S., right?!??

  • Matt says:

    Sorry. Since we got Taco Bell Canada

  • bmiller says:

    If you think that the bus ride going to the fights sucked, then wait for the bus trip going back home. When you are going to the fights, the bus trip is fun, becuase you are excited. But then when you have to go home the trip sucks, because the fights are over and as soon as you get home you have to go to work, and it makes the hot, stuffy, fart smelling, crowded bus that much more miserable.

  • dave says:

    Welcome to the U.S.!
    The Detroit bus station has got to be the scariest place imaginable. The whole fucking city’s a ghetto.
    You white boys must have been the highlight of the day in the bumblefuck towns you passed through. Don’t shower this weekend. That way you won’t stand out on your trip back.
    Here’s hoping you don’t have to overnight in Detroit on the way back.

  • Jemaleddin says:

    @Zurich: Larger than? Yes.

  • garth says:

    vaya con dios, honkies.

  • JJ Smith says:

    Hey! I grew up in Lima! And…oh yeah, downtown around the bus station is ghetto. And the rest of the town is poor country folk. MY BAD.

  • marshal says:

    blame canada

  • Luke Thomas says:

    The only time I’ve ever seen someone eat an orange without peeling it was at a Greyhound bus station.

    Awesome post. Keep it up.

  • Jaiden says:

    You guys are hilarious, but it doesn’t matter that you are the only white guys on a bus. I have a circle of friends of all colors that reads your blog and listens to “The Low Blow” and I know statements like that probably leaves a bad taste in their mouths.

  • stellar53 says:

    Hey I grew up near Lima too….(the I in Lima sounds like an I not an E, unlike the bean) And…..oh yeah, downtown around the bus station is ghetto (I heard there are a lot of hookers around the station also). And the rest of the town is poor country folk or rich oil people or factory workers or salesmen or….

    I’m going to go back to watching The Little House on the Prairie, Nelly is so dirty…..

  • Accomando says:

    “..thank God transients are treated like shit..”

    Took the words right out of my mouth.