7:00 Imagine my surprise when I ‘tune in’ to Facebook and find out the UFC is already broadcasting and the Amilcar Alves vs Charlie Brennamen fight is rolling. The UFC are sons of bitches, giving even more and not telling us about it.
7:02 Joe Rogan is orgasming over Charlie Brennamen’s luscious locks, going so far as to ponder it’s tactical advantage in a fight. Is this going to turn into another Kimbo’s Beard debate?
7:05 The audio for the commentators hasn’t been turned off between fights. Joe Rogan is ripping on Goldberg for wearing feetwarmers. “We’re at a fight on a military base and this guy’s going [insert girly voice] ‘My feet are freeeeeezing!’
7:07 Charlie Brennaman wins via takedowns and hugs, makes up for it by starting the first of five billion USA chants we’ll be hearing tonight.
7:10 We hear Goldberg pre-recording interviews, but all we see is a logo. Seems like we’re getting a straight rip from the production truck, which is pretty interesting in a totally geeky fanboy way.
7:15 Willamy Freire’s last name is pronounced “Frey-dee.” Thank you Brazil for continuing to complicate saying fighter names on the podcast for me.
7:18 Were those camo ring girl outfits? UFC! UFC! UFC!
WILLAMY FREIRE vs WAYLON LOWE
Waylon Lowe shows off his strategy: taking Willamy down and keeping him there. Too bad as well, since he’s actually doing pretty good on the feet. As for Willamy, he ain’t got nothing on the ground but a kimura. How 2004. Tan Dan stands them up prematurely considering the aforementioned kimura, but again … we know the score on those. 10-9 Lowe
7:24 We get our first glance at the new Hooters ring girl. I reserve final judgment until I get to see her in HD but so far I am not himpressed with her performhance.
Lowe seems perfectly happy to hang out in full guard. I would be too considering any time he’s not there, he has Friere’s legs wrapped around his neck in a near triangle. Somewhere a buzzer goes off for 30 seconds. It is the collective sound of everyone’s attention span ending. This round included another Tan Dan Stand-up. It’s sad because Lowe owns Friere on the feet. This probably has more to do with Frier’s deficiencies than amazing striking on Lowe’s part.
7:30 Lowe’s corner is amusing. “You’re getting tired.” Thanks for reminding me! “Time for round three … champion rounds!”
Lowe and Freire start throwing strikes at eachother until Lowe shoots a sloppy tired shoot that Friere escapes. Lowe sits on his knees in front of Friere, taunting him to throw an illegal knee. A MOCKERY! HE MAKES A MOCKERY OF THE UNIFIED RULES!
The Gods of MMA hear our rage – as Lowe goes in for his next takedown he bounces off the cage and ends up under Friere. Willamy spends the next 30 seconds dishing out more damage via elbows and punching that Lowe has in the entire fight. Unfortunately Lowe escapes and pins Freire down to end the round. I officially hate Waylon Lowe.
7:39 They don’t even bother to show the decision – it’s right into the Yahya / Brown fight. I score it 29-28 Lay-n-Pray McGas-a-lot.
MIKE BROWN VS RANI YAHYA
7:41 Mike Brown wins the walk-in portion of the fight via Lynyrd Skynyrd
Yahya darts in and out until Brown swats him like a fly with a brutal hook. But Rani grabs a hold, gets on top, and starts slowly swallowing Brown like a snake eating a mouse. He gets Brown’s neck and almost lets him up while chasing a choke, but then drags Mike down and continues his jitz blitz. This is what quality BJJ looks like. Fuck those guys who can’t keep a fighter on the ground. 10-9 Yahya
Brown is throwing leather with bad intentions and gets Rani stunned up against the cage. Then all of a sudden they clinch and a millisecond later Rani has climbed up on Brown and goes for the choke. Mike slams him down but the choke is only getting tighter and tighter.
Joe Rogan is screaming about how stupid it is for Brown to even touch the mat with someone like Rani. I can’t disagree. One second Brown is on top, the next Rani is sweeping him and working an armbar.
They split and start swinging but Brown’s chasing the right hook and it’s missing by half a foot or half a second. Either way you slice it, that’s not close. 10-9 Yahya
Yahya takes the offensive and shoots in for a takedown. Like a glacier, Rani slowly but surely moves forward and wrecks Brown’s Titanic: getting Brown to his knees. Getting Brown to the ground. Getting Brown’s back. Locking the body triangle. He flattens Mike down and starts wailing on him, popping in a shot to the neck whenever he’s got the angle away from the ref.
After a minute of Brown perfecting his ‘don’t hurt me’ pose, the ref stands them up over too many illegal shots to the back of the head. Yeah, fair enough. Rani is kinda a dirty bastard. But it doesn’t take him long to drag Brown back down to end the fight on top. 10-9 Yahya
DECISION: 30-27, 29-28, 29-28 for Rani Yahya
8:07 “Guymon’s hit the point where he’s ready to put inconsistency behind him.” AKA “The UFC is sick of his win-lose-win-lose ways and needs to start stringing shit together if he wants to stay”
DEMARQUES JOHNSON VS MIKE GUYMON
Talk about a one sided thumping. Mike Guymon’s offense consisted of a shoot into the cage. A hip throw from Johnson later and it’s all DeMarques. He got to mount, took the back, hit the body triangle and then torqued Guymon’s head until Guymon’s spine blew out. At least that’s the official story – it wasn’t exactly clear why Guymon verbally tapped. Another demoralizing loss for Mike Guymon. As usual.
8:15 DeMarques: “It’s like sex without the orgasm, I didn’t get to finish!”
CODY MCKENZIE vs YVES EDWARDS
McKenzie throws a few bombs before jumping in and going for the takedown. From there it’s a cat and mouse game where Yves is more the mouse than the cat for some reason. Cody was chaining nearly nonstop takedowns with some wild punching – his striking offense wasn’t bad but Yves was hitting him hard whenever he threw. Good thing for McKenzie that Yves spent more time defending than attacking. Cody dragged Edwards down a few times, at one point hitting the dreaded buttlick 69 position. But not too much danger for either guys in the first. 10-9 whoever the judge likes more.
Now Edwards is going into attack mode and shit gets ugly. He is messin up Cody until he slows down and returns to that sparring style ‘stand in front, throw a combo’ shit. And so of course Cody takes advantage and drags him to the ground. From there it’s all back control and body triangles and near RNCs until all of a sudden Edwards ends up on top. He hits mount, pounds Cody till Cody rolls over, and sinks in a choke. Irony, thy definition is Yves Edwards putting Cody McKenzie to sleep with an RNC. Fuck. Shit. But still … shweeet.
WINNER: Yves Edwards via RNC
8:45 We’ve got 5 soldiers doing the stompity stomp into the cage for the ‘presentation of colors.’ And now a fat man will sing the national anthem.
8:48 I take my implied criticisms back. Fat man provides an excellent and more importantly short rendition of the American anthem. No diva style 10 minute ‘Bodyguard’ stretch outs.
8:49 I think that’s the end of the facebook portion of the event. It ends with Bruce Buffer telling the crowd about a 10 minute break. “So do what you gotta do” aka hit the pisser now, boys!
9:02 It’s Evil Mike Goldberg. You can tell by the goatee.
9:05 Okay, maybe I’ll skip mocking the Intrepid Heros Fund parts of this show.
9:10 SpikeTV’s new reality show: ‘COAL’, about ignorant coal miners who think it’s an honorable choice to die in a mine rather than a greedy corporation’s shitty decision to save a few bucks on quarterly reports. Sigh.
9:18 And to think, I was complaining about there being no time to pee during the prelims. 18 minutes into the broadcast and we’re finally to our first fight. That’s practically Japanese MMA event slow!
COLE MILLER VS MATT WIMAN
Rogan calls the fight ‘human dog fighting’ Somewhere, a TV producer working on an MMA hit piece gets a boner.
It’s a decent description, they’re swinging for the fences and generally rough housing it all over the cage with punches knees and kicks.
miller was winning until he wnet for a flying trangle. It didn’t work (obviously, but god bless him for trying), and then Wiman got on top and started pounding away
9:30 Another new Spike show: Drunk Guy Travels Around the World.
Cole Miller attacks and is rebuffed by Wiman, who catches a kick and shoves Cole on his ass. From there it’s Wiman on top where he did so well in Round 1. Miller got up with the swickest sweep we’ll never see because the ref was standing directly in front of the camera. Back on the feet they start rock’em socking it until Wiman catches Miller with a knee that dropped him.
The ref starts looking closely at shit and Miller’s head is turning red like he’s standing naked in front of a crowd. Wiman is playing hte drums on Miller from the top, hitting several Sakuraba double chops. Cole’s flying like an eagle through a magical wonderland. Unfortunately, back at Fort Hood his body is being pounded on for three minutes straight. 10-9 Wiman (borderline 10-8)
Wiman attacks, coming in swinging. Miller ducks a punch and Matt grabs his neck, mounting and almost getting a guillotine. From there it’s a repeat of round 2: Wiman brutalizing Miller from guard. He finishes the fight with a flip onto Miller, several brutal punches and back control. Matt Wiman looking fucking awesome. 10-9 Wiman
From the chat:
(Bear_Cavalry): The double down punch is sponsored by KFC, right?
(agentsmith): looks like a chimp trying to get into a crate of bananas
WINNER: 29-28, 30-27, 30-27 WIMAN
9:43 Matt Wiman: “I left the television on in my house so my pets could watch this. What’s up guys!” That’s both awesome and very lonely sounding.
9:45 Vitor Belfort gives us a taste of the Tony Robbins positive thinking kool-aid he’s been drinking.
9:49 “Get off the McDonalds, give up a cheeseburger and have a peanut butter and jelly sandwich instead so we can have our brains fixed.” Amen.
JOEY BELTRAN vs PAT BARRY
The two stalk eachother for a minute until Beltran moves in and ties things up immediately. He spins Barry onto the cage and it’s all wall and stall from here. He starts those stupid charlie horse knees but thankfully Yamasaki says fuck this and splits them. Now Barry goes to his bread and butter: leg kicks. That wakes Beltran up and he starts swinging … until he gets Barry up against the cage for more wall n stall. A high knee to the groin area has Pat Barry almost tapping to try and get the ref’s attention. A second knock to the nuts and Yamasaki gives Barry a break. The round ends and people start booing. Heavyweights rule. 10-9 meh.
Pat Barry throws a big Crocop high kick. Pure art. Too bad it misses. Another hard leg kick lands and Beltran decides to push forward till he gets Barry against the cage for more wall work. He gets a few foot stomps in (smart I guess when you consider Pat Barry’s foot has broken before) and then the ref splits them again. Pat Barry’s looking good … when he actually throws. It’s one shot every 15 seconds and Beltran is obviously hurt. But Barry ain’t going in for the kill. The round ends with Beltran recovering and swinging wildly at Barry’s head ineffectually. 10-9 Barry
Another head kick from Barry. His corner is screaming “Go! Go! Go!” Another head kick. Beltran is so tired his shoot looks more like a stumble. There’s the leg kick, and like clockwork Beltran ties up Barry and puts him against the cage for more foot stomps.
Hey look, a little dirty boxing from Beltran! He’s figured out a chink in Pat’s armor and is doing it as much as his low gas tank will allow. They get split and Barry throws a leg kick / eye poke combo that has Beltran limping away with a hand over his eye. To the chants of ‘Suck it up! Suck it up!’ the fight is restarted post doctor’s checkup.
Now Barry is gunning for that leg, to the point where he even starts punching it after Beltran collapses. Barry gets full mount for a few seconds, remembers he can’t do shit from there, and gets up with a minute left. Since this is Pat Barry and he’s a dummy, he gives up on the leg kicking and starts chasing the head kicks and body shots until the 10 second clapper. He throws one more leg kick in but it’s too late – Beltran survives the fight and Pat Barry is officially a guy who can’t get’r done. 10-9 Barry
DECISION: 29-28, 29-28, 30-27 BARRY
10:25 They’re showing a guy who was featured on Fight for the Troops 1. He’s doing way better – the first time around he was missing half his skull. Now he’s feeding ducks by a pond with his kid. That’s positive.
MARK HOMINICK VS GEORGE ROOP
Roop is using his length to throw lots of kicks and stay on the outside. It’s working pretty well until Hominick throws his first punch of the fight, a laser beam to roop’s jaw that drops him. He quickly gets back up and they continue, Roop dancing and Hominick picking his shots and crushing him with every blow.
He knocks Roop on his ass again and gets him up against the cage and lands another shot before the ref runs in and shoves him off. It seems early though considering the fact that Roop was also shoving Hominick off with his feet. No doubt he was on the way to getting finished brutally but fuck, guys. We got robbed of seeing it happen. Instead we had to be content with Roop staggering across the cage like a vertigo sufferer, protesting.
WINNER: HOMINICK VIA REF STOPPAGE
10:43 When you gotta go back to footage from 1998 to prove your whole ‘MOST DANGEROUS STRIKER’ promotion of Vitor Belfort, it’s not very convincing.
10:45 Anderson Silva shows off why he doesn’t speak english … by speaking english. Also, what’s up with those glasses? He’s normally so dapper and here it looks like he’s rocking some 80 dollar shit from lenscrafters.
11:00 It’s quite unfortunate that this event is happening right after Strikeforce announced it’s heavyweight tournament. This kinda shows off how shitty the UFC’s heavyweight ‘prospects’ are.
MATT MITRIONE VS TIM HAGUE
From the chat:
(technoviking): hague = heath herring & steven seagals lovechild?
Mitrione is headhunting while Hague is going more for a balanced diet of punches, kicks, and takedown attempts. Mitrione’s gameplan pays off though – he tags Hague with a series of straight shots right up the middle that drop Hague back on his ass.
A few more power punches and Hague goes fetal. I don’t know if I should be impressed with Mitrione or further unimpressed with Hague. I know what the UFC wants me to think: “Mitrione is on his way to becoming a serious contender gwah gwah gackwah!” That end part is Joe Rogan deep throating Mitrione’s cock.
WINNER: MATT MITRIONE VIA TKO
11:10 Matt thinks he broke his hand bouncing it off the top of Tim Hague’s hard skull. See you in the fall!
11:23 Dunham’s making no secret that he plans on taking Guillard down and subbing him. Smart man. Melvin’s got 8 losses, 7 via submission. It’s enough to drive a man to drugs!
11:27 Twenty chicken nuggets for 5 bucks? THIS IS WHY YOU’RE FAT, AMERICA.
11:30 I thought I had watched MMA from all the different places to sit, but these troops have me beat. Nothing beats the view of the cage from on top of a fucking helicopter. All it costs them was 3 years in Afghanistan (clawback not included).
EVAN DUNHAM VS MELVIN GUILLARD
Melvin starts the fight well with a crushing punch to the face but Dunham grabs a leg and doesn’t let go. He drags Melvin to the ground and we all think we know where this is going when lo and behold … MELVIN STANDS BACK UP. He then proceeds to wail on Evan Dunham’s face with ferocious power until he gets him in the clinch and throws a knee that has Dunham out on the feet. He crushes him with a second that drops Evan and goes in for the kill as the ref pulls him off.
There’s going to be people talking about illegal knees here – aka was Dunham a grounded opponent or not? But the first knee was legal, the second was legal (dunham’s hand was off the ground), and then the third Dunham blocked with his arm so it didn’t actually connect with his head. Technically all you need is intent for it to be a foul, but good luck getting anyone to call it like that.
WINNER: MELVIN GUILLARD VIA KO
11:40 Melvin Guillard shows the down to earth humbleness that makes him such a fan favorite: “I’m the best 155er in the UFC! Give me a title shot!!!”
11:50 And now we’re back to the Cody McKenzie / Yves Edwards fight, so I’m gonna sign off. Post a message in the comments if you enjoyed this play by play and I’ll consider making it a regular feature again. Now onto the Incredible Expanding Fight for the Troops post!